Skipper may have been a bit gassed, having tossed 8 long innings of lights-out ball, but even with a completely rested bullpen, called his own number and took the mound to go for the complete game win.

Then, the floodgates opened.  On Time Delivered a 7-spot in the bottom of the ninth to send Red Team to a second straight defeat.  Just like most *other* Major League teams, we're having a bit of trouble closing out games (over half of all teams in the majors have had to go to plan B or C with their closers already, so no biggie).  But... the season is still quite young.  

The early game gaffes were mostly (but not completely) forgotten; Big Ton (pop-flyitis) and Styles (2K's) had games to forget; thank goodness we have short memories, right Ton?  Look out Foodland - next week you're gonna feel the Big Hurt of The Big Ton... and we're going to do it to you in nasty-Style.

There's a new stat gaining steam in the majors - WAR.  Wins Above Replacement.  How many wins a player would contribute versus a backup or replacement minor leaguer.

A good player has a WAR of about 8 (over an entire season).  We were missing Scotty tonight, and I'm thinking his WAR of 97 would have tipped the scales in our favour <<insert gratuitous ego boost>> 

Not saying it was his fault we lost, but, think about it for a sec...    

Tip of the ball-cap to Brangelina who is still batting 1.000 (despite having no right shoulder or left leg), and to Heffernan (yes, Kearns, I guess that's your new official nickname) for being able to consistently pick the white ball out of the bright white lights.  Wolfie also did an admirable job in centre, keeping the game close when it mattered.

And to New Guy #2 - on a strike you have to stay on base.  
Leading off = bad.  Ending the game on a leadoff = a lot worse.

(new guy #1 has an unofficial nickname... Rogaine (figure that one out on your own)... stay tuned...)

So there we go.  Tournament weekend approaches.  Sounds like steaks, REAL smoked salmon (Bilow Style), Prosciutto wrapped asparagus and (before I left) stuffed mushrooms.  The menu may have changed since I left, but the privelege of being on Red Team has not!

All in between Red Team victories, right, because next week... it's WAR!

Styles -out.

BTW, check out the new Metric track - solid tune, from a great Canadian group.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pITsgRaJxy0

Yes, opening night finally arrived Thursday night... your 'new look' Red Team faced off against the Splinter Boys (the "Pink Team" lacks the cachet of "THE RED TEAM" doesn't it) in prime time, under the lights, on Diamond B.  For the record, it was a preseason game.  I don't care what the other teams say -- we weren't playing for keeps tonight.

It was a night of firsts, which isn't genius - everything that happened was a first.

First hit? - Styles.  First run? - Northern Dancer.  First RBI? - Teen Wolf.  First strikeout? - Northern Dancer.  First win? - still waiting.  Congrats fellas, you guys made the blog - first!

First figure skating move? - a triple axle jump (a jump with three and a half full rotations - 630 degrees - in the air) - Hydro.  Unfortunately, he did not even come close to landing it cleanly.  I still give it a perfect 10.0  That is, 10.0 towards the beer fund!

You weren't alone Hydro; I didn't think we could match last year's K-fest, but we're on a pace for a $540 windfall, with ND and Teen Wolf also guilty of rustiness, and Seymour's not even on the team!  Filet Mignon and Lobster Thermidor looking quite possible for the fall tourney!

First dropped ball? - New Guy #1.  Sorry, it's still a little early to get hypocoristic with the new guys.  Janet, you'll have to look that one up, my apologies.  We got Pettifer, Cudd and Kearns. Suggestions anyone?

First errant throw to first - yeah, this category is a bit crowded.  

Ever hear the joke about the man with no arms and no legs?  Of course you have.  He played catcher for the Red Team tonight.  Just kidding Brangelina - get well buddy - we need you in the field!  

Red Team lost tonight, and it wasn't even close, but as far as preseason games go, we got some batting practice in, some fielding drills, broke in those quads, and our starting rotation was able to see what *doesn't* work.  Next Thursday is a brand new game - and we'll be ready.  Plus, fan favourite The Welder will be there!

And after we're done, we'll meet you in the Amherstview Public School parking lot.

Cheers!

It is official, 2012 TESPA draft day has happened.  After three full days of tryouts, that featured over 180 men vying for only 15 coveted spots, the 2012 Red Team squad is in place and features 3 new members and 12 returning vets.

"I have a great vibe about this group," Red Team veteran Scotty said. "I think we've got a great mix of guys with all different types of backgrounds."

On evaluating the draft, a visibly intoxicated Skipper added, "We giraffe-ted to fill needs.  I sprised some guys we wanted fell afars they did.  But, yep, we got 'em!  No-one takes my Brangelina."  

Princess, also at the draft, added soberly, "when times are tough, some contracts are too large to keep. This was the case for Matt (Big Brown) Kennedy.  The only way we could keep him on the roster was releasing his right to the TELSPA ladies league.  He will be available for call up if his numbers improve."

The historic draft did not go unnoticed by the baseball fraternity.  Top MLB prospect Bryce Harper was overheard saying he "hopes to be the next Teen Wolf", and Jered Weaver, who just threw a no-hitter against Minnesota commented that "watching Skipper's magic on the hill gave me the blueprint I needed."

Even some Hollywood celebs weighed in.  Kim Kardashian has been spotted around the 'View with Hydro, the league's next superstar-in-the-making.  She reportedly wants babies with who she called "the next big thing".   Kevin Seymour did not make the team this year, to Kanye West's disappointment.  Kanye was overheard at the draft, on Hydro's selection to the Red Team, saying "Yo, Hydro, I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish, but Seymour had one of the best seasons of all time. One of the best seasons of all time!" 

Well, 2012 promises to be another fun and exciting year at Willie Pratt, chronicled by your intrepid blogger Styles.  Brew Dog, Big Ton, Shorty (aka Mike A) and the Welder are all back for another turn (joining Scotty, Skipper, Teen Wolf, Brangelina, Princess, Big Brown/Northern Dancer, and Hydro).  We welcome Matt Cudd, Dan Kearns & Richard Pettifer to the shenanigans.

Are you guys RED-dy???

a) 1 kilogram of corn sugar (dextrose)
b) 1.2 kilograms of malt extract

In a nutshell, add sugar if you want to keep it as light as possible (body, flavour, colour) and add more malt if you want a fuller flavoured beer with more body, flavour and head-retention.  (Personally, I'd always recommend malt over sugar)

The second beer kit option is a bag-in-box, all grain wort kit.  These usually contain 23 litres of unfermented beer, so all you have to do is add the yeast to it in your fermenter -- could NOT be easier!  The bonus: these kits are made right from base grain (as opposed to a concentrated extract) so you should be making the highest quality beer possible.  Everyone has their own tastes, so you'll have to give both formats a try.

Unlucky you!

Now you have to promise yourself that you're going to actually do this!  (writing your promises down help you to keep them, so start by getting a journal, with the first entry being "My first batch of craft beer is going to be a ________".)  

This also means you'll have to go shopping (at Homecraft, of course) and acquire some basic fermentation equipment.

That's going to be the following:

a) a large food-grade primary fermenter (others call it a bucket) that holds about 30L
b) a 23L carboy (others call it a big jug) either plastic or glass
c) an airlock & stopper to fit these vessels
d) a siphon kit (this is how you move the beer from the 'bucket' to the' jug')

And there you go -- that's really the only equipment you need to make your own beer!  If you want to put it in bottles, you'll need those too (we'll talk about kegging later).  Glass bottles from the beer store will work - you'll need about 3x24's.  If you're going plastic - 46 x 500ml or 23 x 1L will be sufficient.  Glass bottles will require bottle caps (it's ok, they're pretty cheap) & a capper (we can loan you one).

Our beer starter kit is a great deal if you want a complete package special - there's a few extras in there, but you'll save a few bucks versus piecing together the components separately.

Next entry - the beer kits. 

It's usually the retail cost of beer that drives people into the store for the first time (and I hear it's going up again, but then again isn't it always?)  But what inevitably keeps brewers brewin' is the unbelievable quality of the beer!

This isn't your father's "homebrew"... it's a new generation's "craft beer", and it's better than ever.

There's also the fact that you know exactly what ingredients are going into your beer, and therefore down the hatch.  Understand that *real* beer is, and should always be: malt, hops, water and yeast.

The Germans agreed, and even made it a law!  The Rheinheitsgebot (German Beer Purity Law) came into law in 1516, and in its original text, the only ingredients allowed in the production of beer was water, barley and hops.  (Notice they omitted yeast?  In 1516 they didn't know yeast was in beer -- Pasteur only discovered its role some 300 years later).  There were penalties for disobeying the law: they would take away your beer :-(

Ever notice commercial beers have a "best before" date?  Have you also noticed they don't list the ingredients on the bottle?  You'd be alarmed at the list of allowable ingredients in commercial beer.  Let's just say that our beer does NOT contain traces of formaldahyde, silicone or propylene glycol alginate.

So, we're fed up with the price (you can make a two-four for about 8 bucks), and we don't trust the brewers.  Plus, we're a do-it-yourself generation that takes pride in our accomplishments.  Why do people bake their own bread?  Why do people knit their own mittens.  'Cause we can, we save money, and we enjoy it immensely.

So, now you know why people make their own beer.  Why aren't you?

Tune in to part 2 to learn the basics of the equipment.

They won, but we gave them their biggest scare this year, holding Billy Baseball's team to only 6 runs, surely their lowest output all year. 

Mike A hosted a delicious breakfast Saturday morning (even though he served beans, which should be a no-no), and head chef Brangelina helped man the grills.  We also had Red Team trivia, but in order to keep the team intact, we did not declare a winner. 

The early game was a 16-9 loss to Phoenix Roofing, which put us at 0-2.  We went back to Hydro's place to reflect, and support some rather large brewing conglomerates.  On the lunch menu: smoked salmon, bacon wrapped artichokes, cheese drenched stuffed mushrooms, some kind of stuffed beef (which was outstanding) and prosciutto wrapped asparagus.  It would have be the perfect fuel, because we needed a BIG win at 4:00 just to stay alive.

We crushed TransStar 14-2 for the privelege of facing Lafarge.  So we went back for some more 'reflection', some loaded potato skins, and what everyone had been waiting for: the Butcher's perfectly grilled sirloins. 

All I can say is, I pity the vegetarians.  If we weren't meant to eat animals, then why are they all made of meat?

So to neatly wrap up the season, here are the Top 10 Moments of Red Team 2011.

10. Early season rainouts.  Late May saw record amounts of rain, and it wiped out a couple games, and threatened to cancel the Spring Tournament (but the tourney went on anyways).  We played one game where the dugout was covered in several inches of water, and there were multiple small ponds in the infield & outfield. 

9. You K, You Pay.  Red Team instituted a strikeout fund (money goes towards the Fall Classic) this season, and its presence must have gotten into our heads -- at last tally, we had 44 strikeouts, probably double what we had the previous year.  Lt. Dan led the pack, and the number of three-strikeout games was stunning.

8. Red Team Gets A Blog.  I hope you all had as much fun reading it as I did writing it!

7. The Fall Classic - great job to all involved in the weekend tourney preparations -- it was one of the best tournament weekends ever!  Fantastic food, beautiful weather, refreshing pool & hot tub, and fun, exciting ballgames.  

6. The Veterans Rebound.  July 14 was a day of red infamy.  Skipper & the Welder both took ugly spills over the orange first base bag, and would be on the DL for quite a while.  They came back, stronger than ever, and propelled the Red Team into a solid finish.  Welder even played every tournament game this fall!

5. Teen Wolf's Tournaments.  The Spring Tournament was legendary for Wolf (hey, don't drink beer for breakfast)!  Learned his lesson for the fall tournament, and shaved his fur into a mohawk for the occasion.

4. Red Team Wine Night.  Coincidence that this was also the Wipeout Game (see #6)?  We won 15-3... that's three straight victories now on Red Team Wine night.  Weird, huh?  We took home 105 bottles of Styles' Special -- they should start coming into their own about now.  What, Dancer's share is all gone already?!?!?!

3. Wing Night.  We had our own keg of beer, and several pounds of wings to deep fry, all done in Scotty's garage with an amazing lightning storm going on outside.  Only game of the year that was called mid-game (and we were OK with that).  First Red Team pictures to make the blog.

2. Brewster Comes Out of Retirement.  July 28, 2011.  Only 7 Red Teamers show up, so in order to prevent a forfeit, Northern Dancer's dad dons a jersey & some running shoes.  We ultimately lose this game 30-13.

1. THE Red Team.  Was this the best group of 15 we've had in a while?  We didn't win as many games as some of the other teams.  We're not the most defensively sound in the field.  We're not loaded with homerun hitters.  But we did have the best uniforms.  And I'll bet we did more stuff, had more laughs, and had more fun than any of them.  And, isn't that what it's all about?

And with that, Red Team's blogger signs off one last time.

Cheers,
Styles

"Not so fast" says Princess
"There are still games to play
"We win at one o'clock tomorrow
"And those fears wash away"

Welder concurs,
Having made a great leap tonight
He's back at full strength
And feels quite alright

That jump from first base
Reminded us of Frogger
Which for the sake of verse four
Works well for your blogger.

Lt. Dan beaned a runner
Trying to cross home plate
For once it wasn't Wolfie
If only the throw had been straight

The runner was OK
To everyone's great relief
The sound of the plunk
Sure caused us some grief

We even saw Skipper
Covering third base
In case Phoenix screwed up
He was there just in case

Scotty also played
With a rehabbing groin
And to my great dismay
Nothing... really... rhymes with groin
(other than pork loin, but c'mon, that would just be silly to try and use that)

Mike A earned a nickname
Sometime earlier this day
Before the game he decided
To waterski in the bay

His new handle is Shorty
Or, was it Tiny or Small?
I couldn't remember
Back at the Beer Hall

So tomorrow we gather
For breakfast & snacks
Before we hit Diamond A at 1
To get in our whacks

"A couple of adjustments"
Are all that we need
To get back in this thing
So Red Team can succeed

When we win the game at 4
We go back for some dinner
Let's finish Saturday night
Calling ourselves a winner.

GO RED!

Now it's Friday morning, and I haven't even settled in at work, and this guy in a suit comes in - and asks where he might be able to find "Styles".

"Um, that's me (kinda weirded out) - how can I help ya"?

Turns out, his name is Jimmy and he's been following the blog for quite some time (I never thought to ask how he heard about it, but those 500+ hits a month must be coming from people other than Sam).  He's from some production company that might be interested in turning the Red Team into what he called a "docu-comedy" - a reality show of sorts documenting the Red Team - *if* I'd be interested in scripting a pilot episode for... are you ready... OLN! 

Bizarre right?

He figures with the popularity of shows like the Bachelor and Jersey Shore (where cameras follow groups of non-celebrity people around a central story), it could totally fly!   The series would follow the game-day lives of the players, as they prepare pre-game, then play the game, and add in the post-game and extra-curriculars that go on as well.  The fact that eveyone has nicknames would help solidify the brand (kind of like 'The Situation' or 'Snookie'), and based on the blogs he sees a lot of potential in many of the characters.

Here's where he threw me for the first loop though -- Teen Wolf would have to change his name (MGM has the rights), and so would Lt. Dan (Paramount).  He wasn't sure about Hydro, but frankly, that needs an update anyways.  And, Scotty and Mike A. would have to get nicknames... it's all about branding and would be contingent on its commercial success.

So I figured, maybe I can write it, and actors in Toronto will play the parts, but no -- he thinks cameras at Willie Pratt adds to the charm and realism of what should be a small-town reality series, but he had some ideas on what direction we should take.  He even contacted Loyalist Township and they're on board for anything to boost tourism.

He thinks the script should work towards making the "stars" of the show Princess, Skipper and Teen Wolf -- these characters had the most mention in the blog and for good reason -- they're real-life characters that people can really relate to and attach to.   

And, since you're wondering: yes - we'd get paid money (if it's picked up)!  I'll tell the team all about the details on Friday night as we prepare for the tournament weekend.

However, he wasn't sure about Big Ton ("he doesn't seem to do much") and, unfortunately, was adamant that Prancer had to go ("is he even still on the team?") - which was to say - "you need someone else".

That got me a bit upset. 

I told him - "Look -- Red Team is a pretty tight-knit group.  Always have been - we're a team!  Not just Thursday night rec ball players, but we've become good friends as well, and I'm not going to just eliminate one of our guys.  Red Team is special that way -- we've probably put together the best 15 guys we ever have, and I'm not going to exclude a single one.  Either all 15 are a part of it, or I'm not interested."

Jimmy shakes his head -- "you're throwing away a great opportunity... all you have to do is get rid of Prancer and change some names - please think about it!" (He admits that he stands to be Executive Producer).

No - I really like Tom, and no matter what he's still a member of the Red Team, so Tom stays.  I'll work on Wolfie, but can't Scotty just be Scotty -- we can make Scotty a brand!  Other than Beam Me Up Scotty on Star Trek there's no other Scotty.  Unless you're talking the bathroom tissue Scotty...  

I stand firm; he's literally on his knees now, and begging me to reconsider.

I start to walk away, and he lunges at me grabbing me by the ankles.  He's pulling on my leg, just pulling and pulling...

... just like I am doing to yours right now...

So, getting that into tonight's story affords a little poetic license, so bear with your blogger as he tries to make it fun in the face of misery :-(  Maybe plagiarizing a movie script will make him feel better.

So Homecraft has inherited the Red Team, and wants to move the team to the city of Kingston.  In order to do this, they must reduce the season's attendance at Willie Pratt to under 80 tickets sold (so far so good, even with a decent turnout tonight -- do you count fans that fall off the bleachers as "at the game", or "not at the game"?), which will trigger an escape clause in the team's lease with Pete (who we played tonight) & the town of Amherstview. After they move the team, they would also be able to release all the current players and replace them with new ones (Homecraft is a sinister and heartless organization).  How sinister?  Styles would be the first to go.  That's heartless!

The list of current players includes veteran catcher Welder, who has problems with his knees, and was last playing in Mexico; incarcerated back-up pitcher Princess, dubbed the "Wild Thing" ; power-hitting outfielder Pedro "Scotty" Cerrano, who practices voodoo to try to help him hit curve balls; veteran pitcher Skipper, who doctors his pitches; and third baseman Big Ton, who is already under contract but is a high-priced prima donna.

At spring training in Odessa, the brash but speedy outfielder, Teen Wolf, crashes camp uninvited, but is invited to join the team after displaying his running speed. Spring training reveals several problems with the new players. Princess has an incredible fastball but lacks control. Teen Wolf is able to run the bases quickly but can't seem to hit home runs anymore, and while Scotty has tremendous power he cannot hit a curveball. Then there's 'Slippery Mitt' Styles (uncredited in the movie), who can't seem to catch a ball hit right at him.  The veterans have their own problems, as Big Ton refuses to aggressively field ground balls, afraid that potential injuries will damage his upcoming contract negotiations.

The Red Team’s season starts off poorly but eventually the team continues to improve. To get back at Homecraft, the players decide they should try winning their remaining games, and get into the Top 4.

The team plays very well at times tonight (and very, very poorly at others), and wins
12-8 - a Top 4 berth might be in the cards! This would force a tournament weekend playing against the division's top teams, Lafarge, Capri, and No Frills.

Fast forward to tournament weekend (do it - for the sake of my movie) cuz here's how it unfolds.  Red Team faces Lafarge in the final (the prize: a hat).

Prior to the final game, Princess learns that he will not be the starting pitcher for the game and goes to Golden Star to mope, where he encounters Big Ton’s wife. On the CKWS broadcast of the Red Teams' weekend party, she has seen Ton leave Hydro’s back yard with another woman; she retaliates by luring Princess to sleep with her.  Princess is (allegedly) unaware of who she is.

Welder advises Princess to keep his distance from Big Ton for most of the final by staying in the bullpen. The game remains scoreless until the seventh inning when Skipper gives up two runs. Scotty comes to the plate in the bottom of the seventh and misses badly on two curveballs. He angrily renounces his voodoo god Jo-bu and proclaims "I do it myself," then hits a two-run home run off a curveball on the next pitch to tie the game.

In the top of the ninth, Lafarge are able to load the bases and "Wild Thing" Princess is called in to relieve Skipper, with the crowd going crazy. The team makes a defensive switch in left, with Mike A.'s sliding abilities replacing Styles' double-vision fielding.  Princess and Welder are concerned when Big Ton comes over to the pitcher's mound, but he only urges "Wild Thing" to strike the next batter out. Princess strikes out his nemesis Kev the Hat (Lafarge's 14th best batter) on three straight super-duper-high lob balls, and ends the inning.

With two outs in the bottom of the ninth, Teen Wolf manages to single to first and subsequently takes second on a throwing error. Welder is next to bat, and after signaling back and forth with Skipper, declines a runner from the fence, and points to the bleachers, calling his shot. However, Welder bunts instead, catching the Lafarge infield off-guard. Despite his weak knees, Welder gets to first base. Instead of stopping, Wolfie rounds third and heads for home plate, catching Lafarge off-guard again. Wolf dives safely into home (because apparently diving's allowed now), giving the Red Team the win. As the team celebrates, Big Ton punches Princess in the face but then helps him up to continue the celebration.

Curtain closes, we can all go home now.  Charlie Sheen, the original "Wild Thing", makes a cameo at Diamond B to assess the Red Team's performance the last few weeks, and he only has one word to say...

... WINNING!

So tonight, Red Team is playing Bugsy's team on Diamond B, and we have a cushy 5-0 lead.  By the third inning it starts to fall apart.  The sell-out crowd (ok, it was only Sheila) was beginning to wonder - "I think some of these Red Team players are trying to throw this game!!!"

Evidence:  Princess, normally gifted with Dave Kingman-like power, puts a strangely weak hit about 5 feet off home plate, and doesn't even run to first.  If it was you, wouldn't you run, even just a little? 

It's one thing to admire a moon shot to centre (gratuitous Scotty plug here for his two homers tonight), but you can't really sit back and admire a hit that even Stephen Hawking could have managed.  That ended up costing us a run.

So something is up right? Princess could be in on the fix.

Next inning, perennial Gold Glover Hydro at second fields a ball, with the runner at third trying to score.  He throws home to get the out, except it's about 40 feet off the mark (yeah, Hydro, everyone else forgot about that one, but *I* remembered this bit of evidence just in time ;-).

Then later, a ball gets hit right up the middle.  Big Ton is totally standing right there, but somehow it gets by?  Hmmmm.  The crowd begins to whisper.

It's OK, because Mike A is at rover, and he could snag it & throw the guy out.  Somehow, this didn't happen either.  Hmmmm.  No problem because... guess who... Princess is the third guy to get a shot at this weak roller... um, nope.  HMMMMM.  The spectators, now ready for an inquiry, start taking notes.  Princess IS... Shoeless "Joe"!

After the game, the press approached Shoeless Joe, and was caught on tape with the following comments:
"When a Phoenix Roofing player would bat a ball out in my territory I'd muff it if I could — that is, fail to catch it. But if it would look too much like crooked work to do that I'd be slow and make a throw to the infield that would be short. My work netted the Phoenix team several runs that they never would have had if we had been playing on the square."

And there you have it.  That was enough for the TESPA Grand Jury to assemble, and bring charges against Princess, Big Ton, Mike A, Hydro and others.

The 'others' named in the suit were quickly acquitted.  Teen Wolf still tried to plunk a player, but instead fielded a ball in right-centre, and got the guy out at first.  Fist-pump duly noted.  Nice play!

Lt. Dan wasn't even a suspect - he didn't strike out once!

Skipper was also let off the hook, despite allowing a grand slam.  He must've eaten his Wheaties before the game - he looked 35 again out there, and held his own on the mound, even snagging a comebacker instead of getting out of the way.

Big Ton, Mike A and Hydro were also eventually exhonerated after four hours of testimony. 

And that leaves Shoeless Joe.

He was sentenced to six beers after the game, for those who made it to the Welder's afterwards. 

And, despite the intended sabotage, Red Team still managed a 15-9 win.  Hats off to the Butcher, who was the MVP of tonight's game.

Legend has it that as Princess was leaving Diamond B after the trial, a young boy begged of him, "Say it ain't so, Joe,"

"Yes, kid, I'm afraid it is," Princess replied. The boys opened a path for the ball player and stood in silence until he passed out of sight.

...at least in the last two innings of a 9:30 matchup, between us & 9-4 Capri Pizza, under an unwelcome orange moon over Diamond A.

We were missing the Butcher, the Dancer, the Welder, and the Big Ton, but Lt. Dan was back (without his wallet, unfortunately) after a brief hiatus.  Skipper staked the enemy to a 6 run lead after one, and an 8-0 score after two. It was looking likely we would fall below Williams Auto in the standings, with our 4th straight defeat. 

But in the 5th, something bizarre happened... we started to pitch well, hit well, and play solid defense - the hallmark of a (dare I say) *good* team!

14-6 was the score after 4.

14-9 was the score after 5.

But there's a reason they play six innings in TESPA!  

(Princess so wisely noted -- we score 6 runs we win, we score 5 and we tie, and if we score only four, we lose).

So it's the final at-bat for Red, and we're in this giant hole.  Skipper leads off with another solid hit - this guy never disappoints!  Mike A has a sure hit robbed from him at short - now there's one out.  Princess hits a long single (which was great cuz Skip didn't need to run hard), Scotty hits a long single, Brew Dog too, to make it 14-10.  Brangelina connects, two more runs score.  It's now 14-12.  Wolfie makes it to second with a beautiful double to score two more, and here we go... it's 14-14 with Styles at the plate. 

With Hydro waiting on deck for his shot at glory, Styles & Teen Wolf (best buds from the movie, right?) combine to put away the pizza guys, with a thrilling 15-14 walk off win.   Capri Pizza would've done well if only they played their games in 30 minutes or less...

...and the little dough ball that they put in the center, (Neeler), took the loss.

The OPP were even there THE WHOLE GAME to make sure no mayhem ensued.  And even the scorekeepers seemed to be on Capri's payroll (a ten minute delay to organize the lineups???)

Now that's not to say we didn't have a couple of Red Team "moments".  Mike A was tagged out walking back to the dugout after only two outs, and the top of the 5th was especially rough for Princess. While trying to throw out a runner at home, got confused and tried to hit a home on Park Crescent.  Gotta give the kid credit... he has spunk!  But he did hit one out, and obviously was instrumental in our comeback.  All hail Princess!  And we even did it without a homer from Scotty. 

Hey scorekeeper - make sure you got my 4 for 4 tonight.  I didn't practice all by myself last Sunday for nothing.

This whole Red Team had spunk tonight -- let's keep it going fellas -- tournament weekend is but three weeks away.  It sure felt good to snatch a victory from the claws of defeat, but we have to harness this momentum.  

Styles - OUT

(just, not tonight ;-)

We had BranGelina get nailed in the knee by a hot shot to to the outfield (oh, if only I coulda been the one to hit that shot to centre ;-), Just kidding, BG.  So everyone on both teams took a break to see if he was OK.  He was, THANK GOD! 

Teen Wolf "wolfed out" tonight, and beaned an opponent in the noggin at second from ten feet away, so all the players took a time-out to see if he was OK.  He was, THANK GOD!  (Dude, he was wearing glasses!  Don't you know you never hit a guy with glasses?) 

Then Princess went down with a really painful shot on the arm at third... but, strangely, not a single person converged to see if he was okay.  Weird.

And Mike A. played second. 

There were some Hard Knocks for sure tonight, but TransStar had them all.  They had this orange bat that was most definitely illegal.  Something about the colour orange is turning out to be anathema to red.

(BTW Janet: 'anathema' (noun, pl) - person or thing detested or loathed; accursed; sometimes an imprecation of divine punishment)

It appears that over the last few weeks, we are being divinely punished by the colour orange, the ugly and smelly distant cousin of red, for a reason we have not yet established.  Maybe John Edward can set up a private reading into the matter, because we've now lost three in a row, and everyone, including our fans, are baffled.  Ironically, Lt. Dan has missed these last three... Seymour, if you're readng this, we really need you to show up - at least come by after the game (next week: 9:30 Diamond A).  Oh, and bring your wallet.

So the cameras were rolling on Red Team from the get go, all because Skipper was back!  A 3-0 score after one inning was not going to faze us - we were feeding off Skip's enthusiasm and presence.

A 6-0 score after two still didn't seem to upset the Welder, a constant voice of reason and inspiration.

11-0 after three? Well, let's just say, a grounder goes to Scotty at short, and Big Ton doesn't even want to cover second any more.

We did fight back, but the early deficit was too much overtake.  Even the waxing gibbous moon over Diamond B had a tint of orange, to cap off another night of Hard Knocks.  (and, y'all can google that one yourself - I'm pretty sure Janet already knows what a gibbous moon is).

So, as Fellder so bluntly put it (I'm goin' back to Fellder here -- he had another spill in the deep infield which should land him back on the DL for at least a week) - (imagine I'm doing my best Fellder impression here):

"OK boyyyyyys.. looks like we all need a little bit of work -- let's go back and talk about it... tomorrow we'll get in some wind sprints, and get in the cages..."

And the orange bat can stay home, whoever owns that piece of... aluminum. 

See you next Thursday, from the only guy who is $10 lighter tonight...

Me.

One thing is certain and serious though... Skipper's absence is affecting us all, and not in a good way.  It is no coincidence that we've lost 2 of 3 and have been outscored 53-30 since Skipper went down with what the injury report is calling an "upper body ouchie" back on July 14.  Damn you orange bag!

We've tried Princess, Dancer, Ton, and Fellder at starting pitcher, and while they have a win and a save to share amongst themselves, they still have a collective ERA of 21.68.  That's not going to get you into the Top 4 fellas.  Those are Jose Canseco-like numbers...

(BTW Janet: Jose Canseco pitched an inning for Texas in '93, gave up 3 hits & 2 walks.  Finished with an ERA of 27.00 for his career, and blew out his arm in that inning of work, requiring season-ending surgery).  His salary that year?  $4.8 MILLION - sweet huh?

Skipper -- we can't promise you 4.8 MIL even though the tourney fund is quite healthy (two more K's tonight brings the season tally to a disgusting 40), but we can offer you some ice cold Canadians if you'll come bail us out.  Maybe Hydro will buy you one -- he has toonies coming out of his ears!

Plus, we need Princess back at third.  That's all I'm gonna say about that (cough, Moustachio, cough cough) 

So, we lost 12-5 tonight, mostly because Scotty wouldn't hit a home run.  Sure - last week, he has no problem knocking out 3 when they can't possibly help...  but tonight he seemed to be happy with nice looking singles.  Hey, every game we have to put the horns on somebody, and dag nabbit, it ain't going to be your official blogger!

OK - I had a week of holidays, and maybe gained a few pounds.  And, maybe I could've run a little faster, maybe thrown a little harder and maybe hit the ball where the defenders weren't standing.  That's four "maybe's" that next week will be corrected!  Consider those extra pounds gone (I might even have to shave!)...

... but only if Skipper comes back! 

If not, I don't see any reason to better myself.  See, Skipper, you mean a lot, to more people, than you think - Red Team is not the same without you!  If you show up, you can change the world, and save Styles at the same time... Wolfie is missing his mentor, Princess' right arm is getting tired (non-baseball related, but that is another story), and someone had to tell Brangelina those swimming trunks should never have been put on in the first place (nightmares tonight for all in attendance)!

Fellder with an eerily similar injury came back this week, so hopefully we'll see you at 8 on Celebrity this Thursday!

And hey, if Hydro won't, I'll buy you a Canadian.

Lafarge was 8-2 going in, averaging 14 runs a game, but even more impressive, had allowed only 5 runs a game... keep this in perspective Red... we were only 1.5 games behind the leader, a half-game out of third place... we can still make Top 4! 

The good news?  We (let's be honest, mostly Scotty) scored 13 runs tonight against the top rated D.  Pretty cool right?

Northern Dancer hit a home run... that was caught last-second by their 7'10" fielder diving over the centrefield fence.

Scotty hit three dingers.  How does he make it look so easy?!?!?!  (I will not stoke your ego any more tonight!  A ball *did* go under your glove in the sixth that was inexcusable :-)

Severe exhaustion, from severe overwork in centre field, should not be allowed as an excuse. 

Prancer had an ERA of 0.00, and didn't even allow a hit!

No, he didn't actually pitch, but you don't wanna see the boxscore of those who did.

That senior wearing half my wardrobe had a couple of nice hits, a couple of ribbies, and no one struck out (except for Prancer). 

Big Ton stood his ground at second... but out of the 640 muscles in the human body, only one moved when the ball went by him in the 4th... the one in the lower part of the face that makes that really wide grin that says "it was a solid hit - I had no chance".  

Welder, Skipper... we missed your presence, experience, pitching prowess, skill level, and base-running acumen.

Lt. Dan, T-Bone, Mike A & B... we missed getting the periodic breather.

Wolfie, Brangelina... guys, there were so many balls sent to the outfield, I can't help but think that if you two were there, we could have made this game a little closer.  

Ya never know what you've got...   until they're gone.  With you two, we might have even won! 

32-13 was the final.  

Seven 3-run homers? Not much you can do about that I guess, unless you pitch like Hydro and don't give them anything to hit.

Come back real soon guys... we need you - all of you! 

It was a challenge to take care of all of those ice cold beers post-game without ya.

Welder and Alligator and Styles were all sorely missed for last Thursday’s game. A few of the vet’s who were in town dropped by to wish us well. Welder and Al were eager to set the example of the classic eat & run. Usually this manoeuver is only reserved for the in-laws but last Thursday was a text book example fill your gut and get out.  

I am very happy to report that last Thursday night, Red team's first base fatalities went down 100%. Good work by all those who successfully negotiated that terribly challenging left turn.  A formal complaint has been lodged by Red Team to investigate the speed bump phenomena at first. Rest easy Albert Alouicious, Peek a boo, Marble Doan, Deveckio, Bently and  Welder. We will not rest until that nasty orange nuisance is removed.

Let’s start off by giving Rob a huge thank you for the fantastic feast of fajita’s.(Say that 5 times fast) Let’s face it. His place is a dump. I hate looking at the lake and the boats that past by.  Seriously I’m never drinking there again. I had to get my own beer twice. The nerve!
Red teams (editor's note to Dancer: both "Red" & "Team" should be capitalized ;-) younger members were eager to also demonstrate new stretching techniques. Some players have been known to do Pilates, some do yoga and some just give the good old fashion tug on your own leg. Not Teenwolf, he went to the next level. Hey there’s a tree. Hey, let’s go climb it. It looked like a crappy episode of Wipeout unfolding before my eyes. Teenwolf was able to loosen all his muscles and take 3rd place in Loyalist lumber jack competition. I think he thought that if he climbed high enough he might be able to report the score from Willy Pratts earlier games. This trend is surely to explode on to the professional scene.
Then their was a little gambling. With a soccer ball stuck in the tree Brangelina showed persistence and tried to knock it down with another soccer ball. With about 50 tries under his belt he was unsuccessful and returned to rehydrating himself. Well Brangelina took about 50 tries and couldn’t do it, why wouldn’t I bet Princess a cool $20 that he couldn’t. One swipe is all took to for Princess to embarrass Northern Dancer . With my pride all but crushed all I could do is give Brangelina multiple dirty looks through out the course of the night. Felt like a set up. How is it possible that Princess was able to that so easily and as pitcher he couldn’t hit the plate all night except for the last pitch. I’m only going to give him $10.

On to the game.
Everyone but Princess played 4 or more positions all night. When this occurs usually the highlight reel is full.  A few plays involved the ball getting by 2 or 3 of the defense like a cheap pinball ball machine and their was a few heroic dives in the out field. But nothing I would classify as MVP worthy. Red Team was looking decent. I know, I couldn’t believe it either.  We even showed our good sportsmanship by letting the score get close. In the end all the bookies in Amherstview placed their bets on THE BIG RED MACHINE.

Good job lads, see you next week.
This is Special guest blogger Northern Dancer signing off.

So, I missed the game (we won, in what looked like familiar Red Team fashion, 12-11 hanging on late).  Did Northern Dancer come in for the save?  Did Princess give up all those runs by himself?  Did the defense contribute, just a little, in that tense 3-run 8th?  Did the Welder need stitches?  So many questions -- I'll have to wait a few more days to find out exactly what happened.  Someone must have struck out though... Praaaaannnnnncceerrrrr ????

On daddy duty, I hit the road with the Stylettes last week for a little R & R in Beantown...

Friday's headline: "East Coast Hammered By Heat Wave: Temperature Records Smashed". 
Yeah, lots of fun - we hit 105 degrees F on Friday - (do the 5th grade math: (105-32) x (5/9) = 40.5 degrees C)... and that's without the humidity!  Did you know the Humidex Rating is a Canadian thing... I kept waiting for the Boston News to tell us exactly how freakin' hot it really was, but all they would say was it was suffocating, and unbearable, and that a heat stroke was imminent. 

So all I know is it was 105 and hazy... just like Skipper! (sorry man, had to -- still cheesed about last week -- OH another rimshot)! 

It was so hot, we actually saw Ted Williams walking around Fenway Park!

(BTW Janet: Ted Williams is cryogenically frozen...) 

Speaking of Fenway, the Red Sox are brilliant.  We went on a tour of Fenway Park on Friday (why not -- hot metal bleachers, no shade, no breeze, no a/c, seemed like a Stylish thing to do).  $12 per person to tour an empty ballpark.  There must have been 150 people on the 12:00 tour, the third of five that day. 

More 5th grade math... 150 people x $12 per person x 5 tours a day = $9,000 per day just to walk around an empty ballpark.  Must be at least 270 days of tours a year... here's the genius:  2.4 million dollars a year!  No wonder they can give that bum JD Drew 10 mil a year! 

(BTW Janet: Drew is batting .219 with 21 RBI and widely criticized for not being worth the money he makes)

So here's the view from the Budweiser Roof Deck in Right - no, you cant just buy a ticket here... an online auction happens pre-season, and if youre lucky you can have four seats for $475... YES, IN THE OUTFIELD.  I would not watch a game from here - though you do have your own bar ($8.50 for a bottle of Bud Light), you will never catch a home run ball -- you are like 600 feet away from home plate and in foul territory.

Here is a shot from the State Street Pavillion... we got to sit in some rich guys home plate seat for 10 minutes.  I put something gross under his seat, just cuz he is rich and he will never know it was me unless he Googles "Red Team Blog What The Hell Was Under My Million Dollar Seat July 2011"

That's my kid's melon in front of the batting cage.  It's huge -- not the cage...

But the most expensive seats?  Green Monster seats... $165 for a single game ticket.  Again, though, you have to win an online auction to get one.  You DO get to take in batting practice, so maybe you catch a homerun ball, but then you have to explain that no, it wasn't a real homerun... you caught it dring batting practice, and your ball is worth as much as a Princess Home Run Ball -- yeah, it's happened, but not during a real game...

(BTW Janet: The Green Monster is a popular nickname for the 36' high wall in left field)

The Green Monster seats were cool.  They're made of 100% metal, and at 40.5 degrees, they weren't really all that cool after all!

A fine vacation, but nice to be back.  A week without blogging was getting to me.

And maybe TESPA could learn to make some money, just like the Red Sox.  Willie Pratt is a fine ballpark in its own right...

Here, we have the Welder supervising the festivities, and Hydro explaining the intricacies of hitting to Skipper...

...and the 105 fringe benefits of being on the Red Team...

... see Scotty, there was a cheesecake after all !

 
There was no alcohol consumed at the Red Team Wine event (except for one guy), and no animals were harmed, though I wouldn't trust Brangelina at this point!

We had our third annual "Red Team Wine & Cheese" tonight, and as of tonight, I guess it's now going to be renamed the third annual "Red Team Wine".  That's it.  The cheese component was curiously missing, and as such, Skipper's hopes, desires, wishes and cravings were severely crushed, as the truth would come out later that evening.

Also, Your Red Team won 15-3 - an impressive feat in that it did follow the third annual "Red Team Wine..."

Our tournament K-Fund grew 40 points tonight -- if the K-Fund were offered on the TSX I'd still recommend buying now -- there are seven games to play, and I don't see a bear market anytime in the horizon.  Actually, put some of your eggs on Lt. Dan.  His annual rate of return could give your kid a head start at Harvard.

Second, the informalities.

We might be able to make a couple of nickname changes based on the on-field performances tonight.

First base has always been a tricky spot.  You have a white bag attached to an orange bag, which in itself is a bit weird -- it can be somewhat confusing, especially when you have to run and think at the same time.  According to the TESPA rule book, they lay it out quite simply... when running to first you step on the orange, and once you've been declared safe, you need to lead off on the white.  I know, right -- a lot to take in, in a matter of seconds.

[Nickname was: Skipper.  New nickname: Slipper]  I'm so clever, I know!  So in the 5th, Slipper gets a solid hit, and all he needs to do is step on the 'orange' bag.  But with all that confusion in the brain, ends up kind of touching both bags, with both feet, and next thing you know, he's beached out in right.  On the bench, Prancer quickly has the 9 and the 1 plugged into his Blackberry, but no need for emergency assistance... Slipper is OK (thank GOD!). 

[Nickname was: Welder.  New nickname: Fellder]  Sorry - couldn't do any better with that one, but it's not that bad.  So in the 6th, (I should mention it WAS a full moon), the Fellder belts another moonshot to center (not his first one tonight -- red wine & the Fellder seem to work well together).  Those rascally coloured bags come in to play again, but this time they draw blood.  Poor Fellder.  See you in August, Fellder.

[Nickname was: Princess.  New nickname: Ace]  OK I might be a little premature, just like Ace, but helluva game against an 0-9 team averaging 2.7 runs per game.  What -- you allowed 3.0 runs?  I'll stop there.

[Nickname was: Northern Dancer.  New nickname: Terminator]  1.0 ip, 0 ER.  It doesn't matter how unpretty it was.  You got the job done.  And that's what closers do!

[Nickname was: Mike B. New nickname: Moustachio]  Sorry, it's about time Mike B.  We've played 11 games and you don't have a handle.  Which is probably good, because you haven't really earned one, but for one week we'll go with   MOUSTACHIO

I'm giving you this image for inspiration.  This guy is totally AWESOME!

These new nicknames are unofficial, of course - they would require veteran ratification, and that could take a while, and probably won't (and in the case of Princess, shouldn't) pass.  But for now, it helps with the blog.  Ahhhhhh, it's all fun & games until Styles screws up though!  

Then again, I'm pretty sure I already did.

I forgot the cheese :-(

Last week, our fearless Red Team put on a defensive clinic - on how to NOT play defense.  Hopefully all the children in attendance last week took notes, and put these lessons to work.  I trust they also said their prayers and ate their vitamins!

Somehow, this week, our fearless Red Team actually seemed to learn from our own mistakes, and played a (near) flawless game behind Skipper, for a sweet 12-5 win in the mosquito sanctuary otherwise known as Diamond A (also known as 'Showcase'). 

Believe it or not, there are actually 3,500 species of mosquito, of which 3,100 took in the game tonight.  I was able to count them all out in left field.  Mosquitoes, for those who don't know, get extra excited when sweat, alcohol and carbon dioxide are present... whoops - Red Team was going to be a veritable buffet tonight!  It actually looked like it was snowing to the ZERO people watching in the stands.  And Gordie says he really wished he could have played tonight... 

The "Human Highlight Reel" (aka Teen Wolf) was making sliding double plays in the outfield, and even catching balls that Big Ton could've caught.  He even tried to catch one on Amherst Drive! 

Only when Styles, Wolf & Brangenlina got moved to the infield did things enter that "dimension of imagination" - and we weren't even a part of it! 

It was a dimension that must have felt "as timeless as infinity" for Northern Dancer in left field relief -- no wait -- third base in relief was even better.  You can't just look at the ball when you catch it; when the runner is standing in front of you, you do have to tag him.  And, similarly, when said runner starts running to home, and you have the ball, you kinda have to throw it near the general plate area, not to the scorekeeper -- the scorekeeper can't possibly tag out the runner.  In the end, Big Ton saved the play, but "lob ball" should only apply to the pitcher.  (I'm glad Dancer has a sense of humour, but Prancer we're not so sure about :-(

And for Princess, well, let's just say the entire game was of a dimension that hasn't yet been defined... the dreaded sixth dimension!  In true Twilight Zone fashion: not one strikeout for Teen Wolf... yet our cleanup hitter managed the trifecta.  And, let's not discuss the baserunning.  The "pit of man's fears", the three-strikeout-game, used to be a very rare occurrence indeed, yet this was the fourth time this year...   Further proof of a Bizzaro World: Skipper got an infield hit!

Despite the weirdness, it was still a night of positives - Scotty hit a home run (yawn), the beer fund had a net gain of 50 points, and your Red Team won! 

With the Wine & Cheese on deck (next Thursday, 7:00 at Homecraft), things could possibly get more interesting.  How 'bout we all say our prayers & eat our vitamins, and maybe that'll be enough for Red Team to stay away from The Twilight Zone

Exactly one week after begging for content, Red Team came through tonight with a spectacular effort - I was hoping it wouldn't come to it, but I may need to invest in a notepad.  No player was spared in blame, and the 15-7 final (yes, Gordie, we were the 7) may even be a little inaccurate in their favour. 

Before we begin - some definitions from Miriam Webster's:

* 'comedy' (noun): a drama of light and amusing character and typically with a happy ending

* 'error' (noun): an act that through ignorance, deficiency, or accident, fails to achieve what should have been done

* 'honey badger' (noun): person or animal who just doesn't "give a sh*t"

* 'Good Times' (noun): By far, the worst sitcom ever made

* 'teen wolf' (noun/verb): someone who leads a team in strikeouts, or who has struck out, as in "Oh, man, I can't believe he just Teen Wolfed!!!"  (sorry Wolfie, you don't get that blog-freebie tonight)

* 'comedy of errors': The Comedy of Errors is one of William Shakespeare's earliest plays. It is his shortest and one of his most farcical comedies, with a major part of the humour coming from slapstick and mistaken identity.

The 'mistaken identity' tonight was Red Team thinking they knew how to play defense.  And the 'major part of the humour' occurred on Diamond B's outfield grass.  It was a most 'farcical comedy' that for the admission price of $0.00, would still have been a lot better value than Willie Wonka in the Springer Market Square (do people really go to those things?) - seriously I wonder why more people don't come out to watch TESPA.

Left field had some sun & some shadows, but is not excuse enough for yours truly to have a ball bounce off his glove, or for Mike A's "deficiency or accident" that led to another drop an inning later.

Centre field for the most part was patrolled by Brangelina... he may have been 3 for 4 at the plate, but was also 3 for 4 in "fails to achieve what should have been done".  In relief in the 5th, Prancer was seen rolling around the field in centre, but the ball was nowhere near him.  I may put him down in the blog, but I think this horse was like, really 'put down' out there!  (or is Prancer one of Santa's reindeer... we haven't quite established that... I'm pretty sure he had horns tonight, though)

Last inning is called, and with the opponent getting ready to bat, we're all watching Right Field.  We have to wait until the players are set before Skipper can pitch, and here's Prancer, honey-badgering his way out to right, what felt like a good two minutes.  At 15-5, can't really blame him for honey-badgering I guess (for those who left Dancer's place early, you might not get this reference).

We even saw the unceremonious yanking of Pitch... Princess sashayed out in relief & pitched a perfect inning, with the final out via comebacker.  May there have been a little PINE TAR to thank as well??? 

Fines (strikeout) tally for tonight: T-Bone = 2; Northern Dancer = 1; Teen Wolf = (not a typo) zero!

Lt. Dan & Welder, you missed a fun game.  You guys could have made a difference tonight.  We may have lost, but we still had a 'By Far, The Worst Sitcom Ever Made'.  Next week it's 9:30 on Diamond A, and the Wine & Cheese Party on July 14th.

So no more honey-badgering from here on out!  We need to start being Dy-No-Mite!!!

But, when you're a blogger, the only wishing & dreaming is simply for material.  You can be smart, and witty, funny, or prophetic, but if the topic of the blog is, for instance, a baseball game, and nothing hilarious of note happens, you're in a blog black hole.  No witty.  No funny. 

I could talk about Teen Wolf's three strike outs, but I promised him tonight that I wouldn't. 

Teen Wolf struck out THREE TIMES tonight.  That's actually really hard to do, right Hydro?  I mean, ball comes in (this is SLOW pitch, by the way), and it takes a good four alligators from the time it leaves the aging pitchers hand to the time it slowly makes it to the backstop... sorry, I said I wouldn't blog about it.

But to strike out three times would mean that you'd have to see a minimum six pitches without making contact.  More than likely you have more pitches than that to look at, but...

... but! But luckily, tonight was the Red Team's Annual Wing Night, and we had bigger fish-- err wings to fry.  What that means is we play game, then drink beer and eat wings.  Twenty pounds of 'em.  And a big high five to Brangelina, Big Ton, and of course The Welder for all the hard work that went into making Wing Night a success (among others - sorry with the mosquito convention in Scottie's garage digging in too, I didn't see all the hands that went into making wing night a success, but know you're all loved as well). 

This is early on, as the first batch gets cooking.  I wasn't going to post it, but it's an awesome pic.  Big Ton is showing his "disapproval" face and Hydro's shorts are 500 watts of pure electricity.

That's (L-R) Northern Dancer, Brangelina, Lt. Dan, Hydro, and someone I've never seen before in my life!

By the fifth batch, some of us were enjoying the wings a little more than others.  So I guess this is why we call him Lips.

We played seven full innings before the clouds turned from fluffy white to angry grey.  The thunder and lightning forced the soccer kids away, but we played on... We lost 8-6 to the tournament champs, so... not so bad.  We were actually tied 6-6 before the last inning, when it *should have* been called.   Teen Wolf contributed $30 to the beer fund (that's 3 strikeouts times $10 per offense for a $30 fine.  Add HST and we're up to $33.90), and Mike A. made a great double play from the outfield, but that's about all the highlights we have... like I said, it's tough being a blogger.

And for Wolfie -- he did miss a month of ball, so we gotta cut him a bit of slack.  Just like the tournament weekend, he was a bit *green*... hey Wolfie, it ain't easy being green, is it?!!

But, I gotta say... it's pretty cool being Red!

The TESPA Excellence in Sports Performance Awards were held in the entertainment complex otherwise known as Diamond B Thursday night, and ALL the celebrities were in attendance.  Even Teen Wolf made a brief cameo.

Diamond B is a 39,000 square foot open-air plaza that serves as the central meeting place for, ahem, "ballplayers", mostly from Loyalist Township.  There is a giant LED scoreboard that doesn't work, a scorekeeper that doesn't do anything with the statistics, freight trains, an occasional osprey with IBS, and is adjacent to a shirtless boxing freak with pitbulls. 

I know what you're thinking - playing Diamond B is on my bucket list!

Back to the ceremonies, hosted by none other than Samuel L. Jackson. 

The first TESPY of the night was presented by former major leaguer Chuck Knoblauch, awarding the Chuck Knoblauch Yip Award for Outstanding Play By a Second Baseman.  The video screen shows a montage of Prancer's seventh inning, missing the first baseman on not one, not two, not three... ok it was three... consecutive throws.  Prancer accepts the award, thanking God - - - for NOTHING!   "I praise you 24/7 and this is how you do me!!!"

The whole Vancouver Canucks team awarded the Performance Under Pressure Award to Mike A.  His two-out, bottom of the ninth toss to second (from five feet away) to close out the rally got just a little too cute, and missed the mark.  Runner safe, the inning would go on...

The Arthur Ashe Courage TESPY went to Brangelina, whose diving play in centre came close to being the Play Of The Year, but instead he ended up with a gloveful of grass.  And a little rugburn.  I was closing in, and I was ascared.  The award recognizes those individuals for their charity works. 

Best Male Athlete with a Disability Award, presented to the male sportsperson with a disability, irrespective of nationality or sport contested, whoa -- what do we have here -- a tie!  The award goes to both Hydro and Lieutenant Dan (see June 2 blog).  Red Team used to have a special hat for those who struck out, a pair of horns... it's been missing for a while, but let's say we could have used a "golden sombrero" tonight.  And Hydro and Lt. Dan would have passed it back & forth 6 times between them.

When all was said & done, we allowed an 8-5 lead to shrink to 8-7 (with men on base) before the lights went out on the other Gray team.  We gave them lots of chances to win it.  We gave ourselves lots of chances to lose it.  They struck us out to the tune of $70 (oh yeah -- you K, you pay)!

But, we'll take the W -- that's 3-1 now for those of you keeping score (evidently, the only one NOT keeping score is TESPA) in what was easily the most hilarious game we've played this year.

The final award of the night, the Play of The Game TESPY, was presented by Brett Favre.  He praised Princess' game-sealing play... hot shot to third, knocking down the ball, turns, runner jumps and Princess reaches up & tags the runner in the groin to mercifully record the final out.

In the end, it was a force out play, and all you had to do was touch the bag.

George Costanza on 'George' -- "What is that? It's nothing. It's got no snap, no zip. I need a nickname that makes people light up. I was thinking...T-bone."

JERRY: But there's no "t" in your name. What about G-bone?

GEORGE: There's no G-bone.

JERRY: There's a G-spot.

GEORGE: That's a myth.

For a few blogs now, I've referred to fellow Red by their handles (to protect their anonymity) -- we've got a Teen Wolf, Brangelina (this is a new one, Red Team Vets haven't ratified this one yet, but I think it's going to happen), Styles (don't ask), Big Ton (why?  A missing Y is why), Lips Mahoney (haven't the foggiest, seriously), and Big Brown (named after the horse).

Turns out, Big Brown has now been upgraded to Northern Dancer, only the MOST SUCCESSFUL SIRE IN THE 20th CENTURY!  Big Brown is actually the grandson of Northern Dancer, right Al?  He sired 147 Stakes winners - a real Canadian stud. 

Nicknames are almost always awarded, not chosen by the recipient (that's why George never got T-Bone - Watkins did).  Sometimes, they refer to a person's occupation or title.  Like 'Welder' for a gas man, 'Bones' for a mortician, or 'Sparky' for an electrician (not Hydro - that's just silly).

Many nicknames add a final couple of letters like ee, ie, ey,  like Scottie for Scott, or Mikey for Mike.  That seems kinda lazy to me.  But if Scottie keeps hitting grand slams, he's earned the right to pick his own nickname as far as I'm concerned!  You want T-Bone?  

Under the cover of dark clouds & raindrops, and with Fred Flintstone looking on, Red Team redeemed themselves Thursday night with a 17-2 victory on Diamond B.

For those no-shows (and there were plenty -- Gordie, where were you, man -- we fielded EIGHT players tonight!) I guess we had the lineup set just the way it should have been.  Not that we didn't make a few mistakes (back, back, back, back, back -- oops), we were able to recover and hit grand slams.  We're now 2-1 in the regular season.

Based on the last blog, having Robbie G tonight would have been great - I think we coulda broke out a "Run, Forrest, Run" from the bench and had ourselves a snazzy new nickname.   

But remember, sometimes nicknames are based on your occupation, so maybe, just maybe, Robbie G should be

T-Bone.

We put 12 runs on the board tonight, and with Skipper all Ben-Gayed up on the mound, usually we win this one.  Not tonight, sports fans.  Ben Gay (and to be fair, the defense behind him) gives up three touchdowns plus a two point conversion to the Gray team, to give us our first regular season loss of the season.  We're 1-1.

For our movie, Forrest Gump, the lead character Forrest will be played by Robbie G.  Not because he took a gun shot in the butt-ocks, or (as far as we know) runs a shrimpin' company, but with all the left handed batters they had, he was runnin' and runnin' and runnin' in right field all night long.  And (duly noted after the game), he did *not* strike out, just like Forrest did not strike out with Jenny (eventually) ;-)  I'm pretty sure there was also some ping pong going on out in right...

And Jenny, that'll be Wolfie -- he didn't even play tonight -- but we're still talking about his "performance" during Tournament Weekend.  Jenny = wild, crazy, wants to be a singer, and was into some *things*; the funniest part is, Forrest takes care of Jenny, but it is not long until she dies. Then Forrest notes, "You died on a Saturday".  Oh, the irony is just sick!

Lieutenant Dan... hmmm... that's got to be Seymour.  Late in the game he lost his legs. 

Benjamin "Bubba" Blue - tonight that'll be Skipper.  Because I'm the blogger, and I can do that.  And Skip's not here to protest.  He was pouting a little after the beat down tonight.  They *do* call him Lips, ya know.  "I was born with big gums, sir".  

Finally, Big Ton gets to be the Black Panther Wesley.  You remember, Jenny's abusive boyfriend?  Well, Big Ton did get in three hits tonight...

And so ends the Red Team's story this Thursday.  I don't think we won any awards tonight, though.

Steve B (cousin of original Teen Wolf Scott Howard) is 17 years old, sick of being average and wishing he were special. His father runs a local hardware store.  He plays outfield for the local baseball team, the Red Team, on the gushing recommendations of his very, very best friend, Skipper "the pitcher".

At a get together with other Red Team players on the morning of a big tournament, Steve decides to indulge in a few cold beverages after breakfast.  After the 1:00 game, he begins to notice some strange changes to his hairy body, including glossy eyes, slurred speech, and profuse sweating.  He doesn't understand what is happening, and he refuses to eat his hamburger.

His father never told his son about this condition, because "sometimes it skips a generation".  As the next, very important tournament game approaches (the Red Team is 1-1 and needing a win), he refuses to "wolf out".  Skipper tries to comfort him, and tells him that the team is doomed to fail without "the Wolf".  Unlike the original movie, he does not "wolf out" but instead "pass out" and the Red Team goes on to lose the tournament, finishing in 8th place.

The film grossed $18 at the boxoffice, quite a ways behind, ironically, The Hangover 2.

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Even though the Red finished at 1-3 in the tournament, we all had a great time.  The field was still quite sloppy, and the dugouts were temporarily the 12th and 13th largest lakes in Ontario.

We're blaming the field conditions for the outcome, but some fundamentals still need a bit of work.  I've posted a link for the Welder - pay attention specifically to the 6 second mark to the 8 second mark
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4AxZMKHO00

And, for <name withheld> from Wikipedia - Main Article "Baserunning"
When a batted ball is hit in the air, ie, a fly ball, and caught by the defending team, Tom must return and "retouch" the base he occupied at the time of the pitch. The common name for this requirement is tagging up.

We'll get 'em next time.

Speaking of which, may I nominate the first banned item from the tournament menu:

Beans. 

Please and thank you.

The other team safely missed all of our mitts
While Skipper was busy serving up hits
To be fair, Red Team was a little bit off
Some pre-game beers many did quaff.

Down six runs to two we still had a shot
There was still a chance that Lafarge could be caught!
But as the night wore on and Red soaking wet
The four run deficit was as close as we’d get

Back at the beer hall, the sorrows are drowned
As Canadians and Coors Lights and Bud Lights are downed
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But tonight, there’s no joy in Amherstview — and by the way, Styles did strike out.

... of which we'll find out tonight if it is going to be a go or not - looking out the window, I'm guessing not.  But if it is, here are your 10 Tips/Rules to Enjoying Tournament Weekend:

10.  Rookies must fetch the cold beers for the veterans when asked.  Wanna be Super Cool?  Do it even when not asked.

9. When playing in the outfield, watch for oncoming traffic.  (Even if you're in peak physical condition like myself, knee injuries still take 6 to 8 weeks to heal).

8. Jack Daniels & Gatorade (Jay's Joy Juice) makes for a very potent refreshment... use at your own risk.

7. No onion pie in the hot tub, even though it tastes better in there.

 
 6. Even if you're starving for attention, do *not* throw water bottles at the umpire,  
 especially full ones - it can to lead to a suspension (that may or may not be enforced)

Don't mess with underpaid, underappreciated rec-league umps!

5. Be wary of the right field fence.  It's our Green Monster, and it has a peculiar taste for cleats.

4. Your blogger is always watching ;-)

3. If you know who's house the team is going to, but don't know where he lives, follow someone - don't try to rely on your sense of direction, or others direction-giving abilities.

2. The bocce ball tournament we hold has a special trophy.  Winners must proudly display said trophy in a conspicuous place.

1. Have fun, even be silly, but please don't drink & drive. 

(Reminds me of Kev The Hat - she shows up, but no one else is there) 

It's been tough on golfers as well - welcome back to Canada, Snowbirds! - but personally, I'd rather be playing baseball over golf.  When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it!

Funny though, for the second time this young season, it's a beautiful sunny day on GameDay.  20 degrees, partly cloudy.  Perfect weather for sweating and running around with a bunch of other sweaty middle-aged men!

Alas, though, the field was deemed "unplayable".  I guess they envisioned players having trouble hitting the ball, getting a good grip on the ball, and defensive players slipping & sliding all over the place.  SO? Isn't that how way we normally play the game anyway?  

Just kidding.  Maybe the other teams... but not Red Team.  Not this year.  We've built a machine - The Big Red Machine.  We've got our own Tony Perez at third (Stiffler), Pete Rose in right (Brucie), Lee May at first (Gordie) and Scotty - he's our Johnny Bench (at the plate, not behind it).   Dave "Hot Dog" Concepcion at short (gee, I wonder who THAT could be)!

"Little Joe" (Joe Morgan) will be playing second.  And Lesarge?  He's 4x Gold Glover Cesar Geronimo, "The Chief".  One of the best arms in baseball, Geronimo once threw a ball from the center field warning track OVER the catcher's head - no bounce.

Lesarge - he'd show you, too, if only we had a chance to play.

The guys in grey mounted a valiant comeback, but Skipper turned in an All-Star start, and struck out two in the bottom of the 9th for a brilliant complete game performance.  Not bad for the first game of the year - he gets the win AND the save.  It's early, yes, but he is, in fact, as of tonight the leading vote getter for the TESPA All Star Game.

First the highlights:

4th inning - one out - batter sends a hot shot to Teen Wolf playing rover.  Picks it up & howls it to first, nailing the unsuspecting runner in the melon.  I heard it all the way out in deep left field.  Ball actually riccochets off his head & hits a stalled train a good 25 feet away.  Guy stayed in the game and he was OK, which is the main thing, but Wolfie -- *aim for the glove*.

3rd inning - Princess puts one over the fence - our only long single of the game - and "the bet" is settled early.

5th inning - umpire calls FOR the red team = 1... opponents = 0

5th inning - Mike A. (that's NOT a good handle, fellas) stabs a ball between 1st & 2nd, runner coming hard.  Ridiculous back hander to first to get the out.  Play of the game.

6th inning - game's just about over.  Need to shut 'em down one more inning.  Runners on 1st & 2nd.  Hard hit ball to right.  Brucie's always there (so it's cool, right), but for some reason he's sitting on the bench... Tom's there!  (cue Benny Hill music)  Remember when Charlie Brown tries to kick the football with Lucy holding, and at the last second, she moves the ball, and ... well... you get the picture.  Sorry Tom, had to get that in there.  We still love ya!

Back at Tom's Place after the game, the beers are spectacularly cold (nice work Hydro) and the Sharks are up 2-0 after one, so all is really right in the world.  Lesarge may finally have a nickname (though it's not official, Freight Train), and Tournament Weekend plans are shaping up nicely - breakfast at "Mike A"'s, our annual Bocce Ball tournament, grilled steak from a dude who has a *PHD* in meat, Vidalia Onion Pie (which *must* be enjoyed in the hot tub to fully appreciate its oniony deliciousness) , Caesar Salad, and who knows, we might even purchase a case of beer to split among the RED.

Can't wait.

The rainiest April on record, so no surprise there that the fields are unplayable.  Gotta wonder, though, statistically May & June are both wetter than April... in fact, according to Environment Canada, April is the 5th dryest month of the year - yikes!

The Old Farmers Almanac said this April "would be drier than normal".  Hmmph.

Without further ado, here is your 2011 Red Team

Looks like most of last year's team is back.  We lost a couple of players - Browner (get well buddy), Newt, and Jeff are replaced by Mike A, Tom and Rob - I'm sure you guys will get some spiffy nicknames very soon.

Returning is Teen Wolf, Pickles, Big Ton, Princess (a.k.a Stiffler or Milk Bags, depending if the sun's out on Tournament Weekend :-), Skipper (Lips Mahoney), Hydro (I know, not real creative there), Styles, Gordie (actually not his real name), Brucie (not his real name either), Mike B and Scotty.

Mike B & Scotty?

Veterans - you really shouldn't exclude these two like that!  I kinda get it, though.  Scotty is, well, he's Scotty.  But Mike?  C'mon guys, you can do better than that - you came up with Styles didn'tcha.

Oh I almost forgot.  Jay Lesarge is also back.

But I have a feeling you're going to get a nickname very soon ;-) 

 "Hey look - it's Barry Bonds! "

He has a giant head - get it? 

Looks like Bonds and his wife are getting a divorce.  Soon, his marriage will also have an asterisk beside it.  

And maybe he wasn't taking as many performance enhancing drugs as we thought! 

HOMECRAFT HAS A SOFTBALL TEAM -- That's right!  For the fourth year running we've sponsored a team in the Township of Ernestown Slow Pitch Association, but this is the first year that I'll be blogging about our antics... err... successes on the field in 2011.   It's not a hugely competitive league (most of the guys would call it a "beer league") but it's a lot of fun, and there are a bunch of neat characters (as you'll see) in the league.

                    TESPA plays at the Willie Pratt Sports Field on Amherst Drive in Amherstview, ON on Thursdays
                    from May until Labour Day.  Tune in regularly to see how yours truly & the Red Team Gang are doing!!!

Summer 2011 brings a couple of new & exciting things for Homecraft:

1. TWISTED MIST IS BACK -- you can now make your own mixed drink kits (Margarita, Strawberry Margarita & Mojito) -- for a fraction of the LCBO price (of course).

                   For example: Popular premixed bottle of Mojito - $191.40 per case of 12 x 750ml
                   Twisted Mist Mojito (made at home) - $32.04 per case of 12 x 750ml
                   Twisted Mist Mojito (made on premises) - $52.39 per case of 12 x 750ml
                   The case pricing is because legally, I'm not allowed to advertise per-bottle prices.  Math anyone?

2. HOMECRAFT HAS A SOFTBALL TEAM -- blogging about our antics... err... successes on the field in 2011.   coming soon

Cheers

Rob

Wine On Tap!

Pre-sanitized bags (each holds 10 bottles) and a fancy thumb tap allow you to serve your wine with ease - and all the while giving you back precious time lost:

a) washing bottles
b) corking bottles
c) labelling & shrink capping bottles
d) uncorking bottles
e) removing labels & rinsing bottles

Now, don't get me wrong - presenting your wine in a nicely dressed bottle is still a more sophisticated and cultured way to serve your wine, but if you *are* looking for a practical alternative, Wine On Tap may be worth a look.

I put my "house wine" in bags.  I admit it.  This way, if I just want a single glass, I don't need to open a bottle just to end up storing the rest of it for a few days, where it may or may not keep. 

You may have your own reasons, just throwing the concept out there.  Wine On Tap replacement bags are $3.65 each.

Cheers!

Winexpert produces a Cabernet or a Chardonnay (and Merlot or Pinot) kit from all four of these countries... "So"... (we get asked all the time) "what's the diff"?

Well, there are three obvious (and frankly annoying) responses we give, but we do because it usually gets a laugh:

a) 9,928 miles, 7,233 miles, 9,077 miles... you get the picture
b) American, French, weird-english, and Spanish
c) terroir

OK "terroir" isn't funny or annoying.  But it's the only real good answer.  It isn't even part of most winemaker's vocabulary.  It's the original French term in wine, coffee and tea used to denote the special characteristics that geography bestowed upon particular varieties makes a difference.  At its core is the assumption that the land from which the grapes are grown imparts a unique quality that is specific to that region.

So, we know what "terroir" means.  So now, the individual kits that Winexpert produces can now be differentiated based on where they come from, the "terroir".

Chardonnay:
French Chardonnay - less aggressive fruit, more smooth vanilla/toasty/buttery flavours
Australian Chardonnay - a whole bunch more body, & more aggressive fruit - lots of pear, green apple, and if you add all the oak, lots of wood and vanilla.
Chilean Chardonnay - higher alcohol (very ripe grapes), lower acidity, smoky/toast/butterscotch in the background.

Cabernet:
French Cabernet - smooth, easy going, bits of currant & red fruit, more subtle oaking, with smooth vanilla dominating
Australian Cabernet - very full bodied, lots of oak intensity, basically a meal in a glass - save this guy for rarer meats. 
Chilean Cabernet - smokier & more fruit-forward, and good value... Chilean wines tend to cost less but still deliver!

Will follow up with Pinot Noir, Sauvignon Blanc & Merlot soon.

Salut!

Rob

Well, they're not here yet, but the hype has begun!

It all started in 1970, when a small slip of yellow paper, found plastered over cafe windows all over Paris proclaimed "Le Beaujolais Nouveau Est Arrivé".

By the mid-70's, tasting the new wine (nouveau) had become a social ritual, and eveyone washed down their lunch with a bottle of primeur.  Through the next several years, the rest of the world would be doing the same thing.

The Beaujolais Nouveau Run only made things worse (better)... "I can get my cartons of primeur back to London faster than you can" was the gist of it, and by 1973 everyone was getting in on it.  One newspaper columnist in 1973 published an article on the race and offered a prize for whoever got him a bottle of primeur first.  The race was on!

How's that for some free publicity - not that Nouveau needed it.  By 1985 over 68 million bottles of primeur were sold at 12:01 am on that third Thursday in November. 

And now, you can have your own special vintage of Nouveau – kits will be available mid-September to October 7.  They are 100% varietal Gamay from France (the same grape Beaujolais Nouveau is made from).  We’ll be having our own Nouveau party week starting on the third Thursday in November!  If you’re interested in getting in on this event, you must pre-order before August 4, 2010.

Cheers!
Rob