Here`s a typical night in the jungle:  1st, no air conditioning, so the screen windows are open for us to "cool off".  Problem is, the animal world doesn`t care that we`re trying to sleep.

Frogs chirp, piercingly into your eardrums.

Monkeys from above the tree tops crack nuts and branches and send the debris down, crashing on your metal roof in the middle of the night.  And the thunder and lightning.

Despite all that, we slept very, very well.  Must be the fresh air... can´t be the humidity.  My book pages are still damp!

We did a night time jungle walk last night, but still no snakes.  Lots of cool frogs and spiders, but we`re just waiting to take on the next leg of our journey... from the jungle of Tortuguera back to the bustling San Jose, then to the west coast of Guanacaste - all in one day.

Aren`t we the brave travellers!

We arrived in Playa del Coco at 10:45.  It rained all the way there.  But...

... I saw another snake.  A 5 foot Costa Rican Boa Constrictor!

It was road kill - does that count.  Guess the snakes still have to cross the road somehow down here too.

To sleep.  A long day of travel, but now we`re in Playa del Coco where the real fun will begin!

Costa Rica, in case you hadn`t heard, is mostly rainforest.  That means it`s a forest, and it rains.  BOY does it rain!

We awoke on Thursday ready for a boat tour of the jungle.  It rained so hard we couldn`t hear ourselves speak.  So we went back to bed and would try again at 8 am (yeah, they have us getting up at six in the morning)!

At 8 it had died down sufficiently to give it a shot... and it was awesome.  We saw caymans, lizards, and iguanas as well as a myriad of waterfowl and monkeys.  Waiting for a snake... but not yet.

At 9:30, the rain returned just as we were docking, so a sprint to the cabin for some shelter was in order.  Since there´s no TV, no internet or computers, no radio or video games (not even board games) the only things left to do are read or sleep.  So, nap it was.

Lunch was at 1:30 - a note on the food here.  Costa Ricans eat rice and black beans for lunch dinner AND breakfast EVERY DAY.  Breakfast!  Today`s lunch was a flavourless green vegetable, beef stew, and rice.  And beans.  With chopped watermelon & sugar in a champagne glass for dessert.  (actually kinda fun, you should try it)

The rain stopped at 3, so we`re going to trek in the wild Costa Rican jungle for a bit while we can.  Despite all the guide books, and the fact that it just rained, no bugs, which was a relief!

We donned rubber boots (regulation jungle gear) and I was ready to see some wild life.

Apart from some Capuchin monkeys, some miniature frogs, some very large spiders, and an eyelash pit viper, the jungle was pretty quiet that day.  Maybe, since I`m kinda afraid of giant poisonous snakes, it was for the better.  The viper was neat, but it was sleeping.  The ants were most fascinating, parading tiny leaf pieces to their hill in a straight line formation... actually digging their own highway of sorts from back & forth trudging. 

Dinner was chicken with.... rice AND beans.  We saw a monkey fight at the pool, but with the rain coming in again, it was off to bed for another quiet night.

Up at 5, out by 6, with a ham sandwich in our hands, we board the Adventure Tours shuttle.  It`s a 5 hour ride by bus JUST to get us to the boat that`ll take us to the remote Tortuguera (only access is by air or by boat).  Of the 5 hours, 2 and a half is over rocky road (not gravel like at home, ROCK).  Total distance for the 2.5 hrs?  50 kms.  Fun.  And we won`t get into the flat tire...

At the boat dock, it`s another 2 hours by mini motor boat to the `resort`Rana Raja in Tortuguera.

On the way we do see the Del Monte and Chiquita plantations... simply amazing.  As far as the eye can see, banana trees, all harvested by hand, and even pulled on land level ski lifts by humans to the processing plant.  3000 crates a day per facility, with over 100 bananas per crate... add in Dole and there are almost a million bananas being packaged a day in Costa Rica (for export).  I`ll bet Google Earth can pick the spanse of earth monopolized by these guys.

Along the way by boat, we see howler monkeys, a 10 foot American alligator, a sloth, squirrel monkeys and some giant lizards.  Back at our `resort`we`re taking pictures of giant spiders and Jesus Christ lizards (they`re the ones that walk on water).  As I head to the pool, I walk through my first spider web & if you saw the spider I had just seen, you`d have reacted as foolishly as I did!

By the pool, monkeys are throwing things and making a racket (just like at home I guess - hi Emma hi Kate!)

We are definitely in the jungle, though... it`s 3 pm and there is no sun, just lots of dampness... nothing EVER dries here.

That evening our tour guide takes us to Tortuguera Beach, where the beach is calm.  All of a sudden, there is some movement under a random patch of sand.  Slowly peeking its head from the surface emerges a baby turtle, with a body no bigger than a toonie.  Then another, and another.  One by one, with flippers flipping and flailing, the turtles have but one goal - to get to the ocean.  Next thing you know there are ten, then twenty, then fifty - all coming from the same nest in the sand.  Then seventy, then over a hundred.  The beach is covered by flipping, flopping, crazy acting mini- turtles, and then after about 15 minutes they´re all gone... all gone to where nature has intended them to go - to the ocean to begin their life.

One of the most precious and beautiful things I have seen ever.  Amazing.

Here we go - off to Syracuse International for a 10 day experience in what is supposed to be one of the most beautiful countries in the world - Costa Rica!

After driving around the covered parking lot for a half hour trying to find a spot, we discover there is none, so we leave, but still have to pay the $1.75 for the 'part hour' in Syracuse Airport Parking - note to others, just park outside.

Once our aircraft arrives (a 16-seat Cessna) we connect in Newark & wait another two hours for the big plane to take us to San Jose CR.

I`m seated by a lady going home (I`ll call her Juanita) to her native land.  All is going well until dinner time, when they decide to serve everyone on the plane - get this - burritos!  Not sure they thought this one through.  About a half hour after dinner, Juanita decides she wants to have a nap.  Julie & I both need to go to the washroom, but Juanita is now my Vegetable Lasagna (if you haven`t seen Seinfeld you won`t get this reference).  Finally I poke her, and we make it just before the seatbelt sign becomes illuminated.

I plug in my MP3 for the remaining half hour descent (I can only imagine what Juanita would think of Metallica) and we get out at the airport - an orange taxi takes us to the Adventure Inn for a light night`s sleep.  Tomorrow we`re off to Tortuguera on the east coast of CR - at 5 in the morning.

Week 4:

Miami Dolphins @ San Diego -7.5
... Chargers have injury issues, the biggest one being TE Antonio Gates (likely out), and others include QB Rivers (ribs), CB Jammer (hamstring), and most of their receivers didn't practise on Wed and are less than 100%.  Might not matter because the Dolphins have not looked good, but this is a must win, and the Chargers always seem to play down to their competition.   Chargers almost let the Chiefs and Minnesota win, where Miami lost by one to Cleve and lost to Houston.  Both teams lost to NE by 14.  7.5 might be too much against a desperate team.  Upset alert.
Pick: Miami +7.5

Tennessee @ Cleveland PK
... Since the opening season loss to Jax, the Titans have held run-first opponents (Balt & Den) to only 104 rushing yards (on 40 attempts - 2.5 avg) and are the #1 defense in the NFL.  In fact they've only allowed 43 points in three games.  Browns not bad themselves, but they're not very good against the run, and CJ should be the difference.  Browns have played Cincy, Indy & Miami... not the best competition.  Those three couldn't run for 100 yards in a game -- until they played Cleveland!  And yes, I know Britt is out.
Pick: Tennessee PK

Pittsburgh @ Houston -4
... this line is still moving Houston's way but should stabilize right around here.  With the talk of Houston's improved defense, they allowed 354 yards passing last week and have a terrible 4.80 yards per rush defense this year.  Mendenhall should be pumped.
Pick: Pittsburgh +4

Denver @ Green Bay -13.5
... just a hunch.  No way I think Denver's better, but the Packer pass D has allowed 396 yards, 404 yards and 278 yards L3.  Double digit faves have had a rough start this year.
Pick: Denver +13.5

Buffalo -3.5 @ Cincinnati
... more of an anti-Buffalo pick than pro-Cincy.  2008 Buffalo started 3-0 (actually 4-0 and then 5-1) only to blow 8 of their last 10 & miss the playoffs.  Bills schedule after this game?  Philly, @NYG, Washington (@Tor), NYJ, @ Dallas.  Ouch.  Remember when the Ravens beat the Steelers in week 1 only to lose bad the next week.  It's called a hangover, and the Bills could have one Sunday after beating the Patriots.   
Pick: Cincinnati +3.5

Indianapolis @ Tampa Bay -11
... see Denver pick.  Stranger things than Indy winning on Monday night have happened.  There's still an awful lot of talent there, and maybe, just maybe, the rookie's ready.  I know that Mathis & Feeney are going to be ready.
Pick: Indy +11

San Francisco +10
... going to keep riding the double-digit fave fade angle again.  They make a point of saying Vick's non-throwing hand was badly bruised (so phew!, right?), but realize that he still has to handle 70-80 snaps with that badly bruised hand.   I figure 50-50 he doesn't even finish the game!  Niners aren't going to scare many, but Gore is good and the Philly run D has allowed 181 (StL), 138 (Atl) and 102 (NYG) in three games.  The great Philly pass D allowed a depleted Giant receiving corps to torch them for an 8.92 yard-per-attempt average.   

NY Giants -1 @ Arizona
... have to pick a favourite, so going with my Giants.  They're too good to have a hangover (after beating Philly), and if Manning can go 26-232 (8.92 y/a) 4 TD & 145.7 rating vs Philly's "vaunted" defense, then with Manningham back in the lineup he should be able to do as well, right?  Liking the Giants schedule - Arizona, Seattle, Buffalo, Miami on deck.
Pick: NY Giants -1

Opinions only on Dallas -1, NO -7, Washington -1, Minn -1.5, Carolina +7, Seattle +5, Oakland +5.  No opinion on Balt/NYJ.

Good luck to me (and to you too if you're playing these picks).

Cheers
Rob

Week 3:

New England -9 @ Buffalo
… two of the top 3 scoring teams face off in what could be closer than most people think.  The Bills lead the league in rushing, and actually scored more points than NE has.  The Pats have the better O-Line, and Buffalo has only 2 sacks this year, so expect Brady to get some time in the pocket.  I’m not convinced Buffalo’s corners are up to the task – McKelvin got burned by Oakland’s rookie WR for 5 catches & 146 yards.  The Bills played Oakland on a short week traveling to the east, and a KC team that we realize now aren’t that good.  The Pats beat a good Chargers team pretty handily last week.  I’m also not sold on the Bills “improved” run D – they’ve allowed 239 yards rushing through two games.  With Parrish out, and Stevie Johnson less than 100% (groin) the Pats will capitalize, but 9 is too much in a division game.  The Pats pass D has been torched by Rivers and (ahem) Henne in consecutive weeks.  If Fitzpatrick plays it smart, the Bills have a shot, not just at a cover, but a W.  
Buffalo +9

Jacksonville @ Carolina -3.5
… too bad Gabbert has to make his first start on the road.  I don’t like the Panthers run D, and MJD had a great game against Tennessee in week 1 (same team that shut down Ray Rice last week) but they’ll be featuring MJD and everyone knows it.  Quick – name one Jags receiver… Newton’s arm has been quite impressive, and his ability to hook up with Steve Smith has been very productive.  The Jags have only one TD this year. The Panthers stayed within 7 vs GB (and when they beat Chicago you’ll agree that’s pretty good), so they should be able to handle the Jags.  Home field with rookie jitters makes the difference.
Carolina -3.5 

NY Giants @ Philadelphia -9
… even if Vick plays, the Giants D should be up for this one (almost wish he does – he turned the ball over three times vs Atl).  I know the Giants played Monday night, but the Eagles have allowed 146 rush yards per game this year, and Bradshaw/Jacobs are an awesome 1-2 punch.  The NYG secondary is vulnerable, though, so they need to win the time of possession.  In the end, revenge for last year’s debacle + 9 points in a division game is too many (see Patriots ;-)
NY Giants +9 

Denver @ Tennessee -6’
… Nashville has been a tough place for opponents for years, and the Ravens just found that out last week.  There was also ‘letdown’ but that was still a very good Ravens team – especially holding Ray Rice.  Bronco’s still without CB Bailey (hammy) and several other starters, and Kenny Britt is a star.  Bronco’s also had trouble with McFadden & Benson in weeks 1 & 2, so we should see CJ break out this week. 
Tennessee -6.5

NY Jets -3’ @ Oakland
… basically, liking the angry Raiders in their home opener against a team without their starting center and arguably best player (Mangold) with a FG cushion. 
Oakland +3.5

Arizona -3 @ Seattle
… basically, liking any team playing against Tarvaris Jackson. 
Arizona -3.5

Miami @ Cleveland -1.5
… Cleveland beat the poor Colts, but lost to the Bengals, and the following week the Bengals lost to the lowly Broncos.  With Hillis questionable, and Miami on the road (where they have shown they can win), and the Dolphins 0-2, I think you see rookie Thomas (who had 100 yards last week against a good Houston D) break 100 again against the 24^th ranked Browns defense.  That’ll set up Henne, who has averaged almost 300 yards per game (unfortunately, most of them against the Pats).
Miami +1.5

Baltimore -4 @ St. Louis
… Ray Rice vs NFL’s worst run D and the Rams are missing key weapons.  Ravens should be mature enough to bounce back after embarrassing loss, which may have been related to Steeler-letdown.
Baltimore -4 

If I had to pull the trigger on the other eight games, I’d probably go: 

Indy +10.5 – the NFL is funny that way… watch the Colts win outright

San Fran +1.5 – thinking the niners have more talent on both sides (maybe not at QB)

Minnesota +4 – something looks wrong with Lions 2-0 & Vikings 0-2; DT Williams is back for Minn.

Atlanta +1.5 – have to pick someone.  C McClure back for Atl which is huge

San Diego -14’ – there’s one good team playing in this game

Washington off – line’s +6.5 at the Hilton; I think the loss of Austin is really big, but Felix, Witten, Dez and several others are hurting.  Romo will be fine, but if he gets hit just once, who knows?  Division game, on MNF… these Redskins aren’t that bad.  Straight up is tough, but it wouldn’t surprise me if Washington won.

Green Bay -3.5… Bears O-Line in rough shape.  Pack more talented.  Bears safeties in trouble too.

New Orleans -4… love the Texans, but the Saints aren’t in the same class as the Colts or Dolphins

Oakland @ Buffalo -3.5
Raiders ran all over Denver, and should be able to do so against (despite the average showing against KC) by all accounts, a terrible run defense.  If the Raiders have a weakness it’s on the corners, but the Bills receivers are not strong at all (they only have one deep threat – all the other receivers are slot guys) so the Raiders should contain them, and win this game.  Besides, Bills 2-0 look weird to you?  Oakland +3.5

St. Louis @ NY Giants -7
Both teams hit hard by injuries, but the Giants are the healthier (and better) team.  Rams QB Bradford bruised his hand, and they lost starting RT Smith and starting CB Bartell.  RB Jackson hurt his quad (kind of important for a lead back), and Amendola (WR/PR) could be gone for the year.  With Bartell going down, and opposing starter Fletcher getting hurt as well, the Rams are down to two cornerbacks (one of them is 36 year old Al Harris).  I see the secondary getting tired on Monday night, and the Giants prevailing by double digits.  NY Giants -5.5

Philadelphia -1.5 @ Atlanta
Falcons pass D (ranked 22 last year) was torched by Jay Cutler in week 1, so they have to be worried against the Eagles’ high octane offense.   However, the Eagles D was pretty ugly against the run themselves at St. Louis allowing 90 yards in the Rams first two possessions (including a 47 yard TD run) before Steven Jackson got hurt.  I’m thinking the Falcons, a run-first team, should be able to succeed, especially with Ryan at home (7-1 in 2010) on turf (22-4 TD:INT last year) and indoors (where his QB rating jumped 24 points last year).  The turf stat is neat – on grass in his career he has 11 TD and 11 INT.  On turf?  39-13.  Nice.  Philly is good but they’re not as good as everyone is making them out to be.  Atlanta is good too, and should be laying a point & a half IMO.  Atlanta +1.5

Houston -3 @ Miami
Give the Dolphins some props here – they lost to Superman & the Patriots.  Houston beat a Manning-less Colts.  But in the end, I think Schaub & the Houston run game (with or without Foster) is better than Miami’s Henne and Bush, even though Henne’s numbers were almost as good as Brady’s.  Miami is now 1-10 at home L11H, and Henne is still a career 29-34 TD:INT.  Houston -3

Baltimore -5.5 @ Tennessee
Hmm.  Ravens obliterate the Steelers, and Tennessee was dominated (statistically) by Jacksonville.  5.5 looks like a gift.  The Ravens only allowed one sack, turned Pittsburgh over seven times, and also rushed for well over 100 yards – some things you just don’t do against Pittsburgh.  Ray Rice is a beast, and with Leach blocking for him could have a monster game as the Titans allowed 163 yards on the ground to the Jags.  Ravens -5.5

Cincinnati @ Denver -4.5
Going to take the points here, with two teams that are banged up already.  Broncos probably are worse off, though, with Champ Bailey, Moreno, Lloyd & Dumerville all hurting.  The Broncos knew that the Raiders were going to try & run all day on them, and they were powerless to stop it.  The whole team was incohesive and unprepared.  The whole offense was poor, with sacks, drops & untimely fumbles.  They couldn’t run.  Bengals got a nice road win in Cleveland, and might be too much to ask them to win another road game, but maybe they keep it close with the veteran in at QB.  Cincy +4.5

That's it for now - good luck to me! 

They won, but we gave them their biggest scare this year, holding Billy Baseball's team to only 6 runs, surely their lowest output all year. 

Mike A hosted a delicious breakfast Saturday morning (even though he served beans, which should be a no-no), and head chef Brangelina helped man the grills.  We also had Red Team trivia, but in order to keep the team intact, we did not declare a winner. 

The early game was a 16-9 loss to Phoenix Roofing, which put us at 0-2.  We went back to Hydro's place to reflect, and support some rather large brewing conglomerates.  On the lunch menu: smoked salmon, bacon wrapped artichokes, cheese drenched stuffed mushrooms, some kind of stuffed beef (which was outstanding) and prosciutto wrapped asparagus.  It would have be the perfect fuel, because we needed a BIG win at 4:00 just to stay alive.

We crushed TransStar 14-2 for the privelege of facing Lafarge.  So we went back for some more 'reflection', some loaded potato skins, and what everyone had been waiting for: the Butcher's perfectly grilled sirloins. 

All I can say is, I pity the vegetarians.  If we weren't meant to eat animals, then why are they all made of meat?

So to neatly wrap up the season, here are the Top 10 Moments of Red Team 2011.

10. Early season rainouts.  Late May saw record amounts of rain, and it wiped out a couple games, and threatened to cancel the Spring Tournament (but the tourney went on anyways).  We played one game where the dugout was covered in several inches of water, and there were multiple small ponds in the infield & outfield. 

9. You K, You Pay.  Red Team instituted a strikeout fund (money goes towards the Fall Classic) this season, and its presence must have gotten into our heads -- at last tally, we had 44 strikeouts, probably double what we had the previous year.  Lt. Dan led the pack, and the number of three-strikeout games was stunning.

8. Red Team Gets A Blog.  I hope you all had as much fun reading it as I did writing it!

7. The Fall Classic - great job to all involved in the weekend tourney preparations -- it was one of the best tournament weekends ever!  Fantastic food, beautiful weather, refreshing pool & hot tub, and fun, exciting ballgames.  

6. The Veterans Rebound.  July 14 was a day of red infamy.  Skipper & the Welder both took ugly spills over the orange first base bag, and would be on the DL for quite a while.  They came back, stronger than ever, and propelled the Red Team into a solid finish.  Welder even played every tournament game this fall!

5. Teen Wolf's Tournaments.  The Spring Tournament was legendary for Wolf (hey, don't drink beer for breakfast)!  Learned his lesson for the fall tournament, and shaved his fur into a mohawk for the occasion.

4. Red Team Wine Night.  Coincidence that this was also the Wipeout Game (see #6)?  We won 15-3... that's three straight victories now on Red Team Wine night.  Weird, huh?  We took home 105 bottles of Styles' Special -- they should start coming into their own about now.  What, Dancer's share is all gone already?!?!?!

3. Wing Night.  We had our own keg of beer, and several pounds of wings to deep fry, all done in Scotty's garage with an amazing lightning storm going on outside.  Only game of the year that was called mid-game (and we were OK with that).  First Red Team pictures to make the blog.

2. Brewster Comes Out of Retirement.  July 28, 2011.  Only 7 Red Teamers show up, so in order to prevent a forfeit, Northern Dancer's dad dons a jersey & some running shoes.  We ultimately lose this game 30-13.

1. THE Red Team.  Was this the best group of 15 we've had in a while?  We didn't win as many games as some of the other teams.  We're not the most defensively sound in the field.  We're not loaded with homerun hitters.  But we did have the best uniforms.  And I'll bet we did more stuff, had more laughs, and had more fun than any of them.  And, isn't that what it's all about?

And with that, Red Team's blogger signs off one last time.

Cheers,
Styles

"Not so fast" says Princess
"There are still games to play
"We win at one o'clock tomorrow
"And those fears wash away"

Welder concurs,
Having made a great leap tonight
He's back at full strength
And feels quite alright

That jump from first base
Reminded us of Frogger
Which for the sake of verse four
Works well for your blogger.

Lt. Dan beaned a runner
Trying to cross home plate
For once it wasn't Wolfie
If only the throw had been straight

The runner was OK
To everyone's great relief
The sound of the plunk
Sure caused us some grief

We even saw Skipper
Covering third base
In case Phoenix screwed up
He was there just in case

Scotty also played
With a rehabbing groin
And to my great dismay
Nothing... really... rhymes with groin
(other than pork loin, but c'mon, that would just be silly to try and use that)

Mike A earned a nickname
Sometime earlier this day
Before the game he decided
To waterski in the bay

His new handle is Shorty
Or, was it Tiny or Small?
I couldn't remember
Back at the Beer Hall

So tomorrow we gather
For breakfast & snacks
Before we hit Diamond A at 1
To get in our whacks

"A couple of adjustments"
Are all that we need
To get back in this thing
So Red Team can succeed

When we win the game at 4
We go back for some dinner
Let's finish Saturday night
Calling ourselves a winner.

GO RED!

Now it's Friday morning, and I haven't even settled in at work, and this guy in a suit comes in - and asks where he might be able to find "Styles".

"Um, that's me (kinda weirded out) - how can I help ya"?

Turns out, his name is Jimmy and he's been following the blog for quite some time (I never thought to ask how he heard about it, but those 500+ hits a month must be coming from people other than Sam).  He's from some production company that might be interested in turning the Red Team into what he called a "docu-comedy" - a reality show of sorts documenting the Red Team - *if* I'd be interested in scripting a pilot episode for... are you ready... OLN! 

Bizarre right?

He figures with the popularity of shows like the Bachelor and Jersey Shore (where cameras follow groups of non-celebrity people around a central story), it could totally fly!   The series would follow the game-day lives of the players, as they prepare pre-game, then play the game, and add in the post-game and extra-curriculars that go on as well.  The fact that eveyone has nicknames would help solidify the brand (kind of like 'The Situation' or 'Snookie'), and based on the blogs he sees a lot of potential in many of the characters.

Here's where he threw me for the first loop though -- Teen Wolf would have to change his name (MGM has the rights), and so would Lt. Dan (Paramount).  He wasn't sure about Hydro, but frankly, that needs an update anyways.  And, Scotty and Mike A. would have to get nicknames... it's all about branding and would be contingent on its commercial success.

So I figured, maybe I can write it, and actors in Toronto will play the parts, but no -- he thinks cameras at Willie Pratt adds to the charm and realism of what should be a small-town reality series, but he had some ideas on what direction we should take.  He even contacted Loyalist Township and they're on board for anything to boost tourism.

He thinks the script should work towards making the "stars" of the show Princess, Skipper and Teen Wolf -- these characters had the most mention in the blog and for good reason -- they're real-life characters that people can really relate to and attach to.   

And, since you're wondering: yes - we'd get paid money (if it's picked up)!  I'll tell the team all about the details on Friday night as we prepare for the tournament weekend.

However, he wasn't sure about Big Ton ("he doesn't seem to do much") and, unfortunately, was adamant that Prancer had to go ("is he even still on the team?") - which was to say - "you need someone else".

That got me a bit upset. 

I told him - "Look -- Red Team is a pretty tight-knit group.  Always have been - we're a team!  Not just Thursday night rec ball players, but we've become good friends as well, and I'm not going to just eliminate one of our guys.  Red Team is special that way -- we've probably put together the best 15 guys we ever have, and I'm not going to exclude a single one.  Either all 15 are a part of it, or I'm not interested."

Jimmy shakes his head -- "you're throwing away a great opportunity... all you have to do is get rid of Prancer and change some names - please think about it!" (He admits that he stands to be Executive Producer).

No - I really like Tom, and no matter what he's still a member of the Red Team, so Tom stays.  I'll work on Wolfie, but can't Scotty just be Scotty -- we can make Scotty a brand!  Other than Beam Me Up Scotty on Star Trek there's no other Scotty.  Unless you're talking the bathroom tissue Scotty...  

I stand firm; he's literally on his knees now, and begging me to reconsider.

I start to walk away, and he lunges at me grabbing me by the ankles.  He's pulling on my leg, just pulling and pulling...

... just like I am doing to yours right now...

So, getting that into tonight's story affords a little poetic license, so bear with your blogger as he tries to make it fun in the face of misery :-(  Maybe plagiarizing a movie script will make him feel better.

So Homecraft has inherited the Red Team, and wants to move the team to the city of Kingston.  In order to do this, they must reduce the season's attendance at Willie Pratt to under 80 tickets sold (so far so good, even with a decent turnout tonight -- do you count fans that fall off the bleachers as "at the game", or "not at the game"?), which will trigger an escape clause in the team's lease with Pete (who we played tonight) & the town of Amherstview. After they move the team, they would also be able to release all the current players and replace them with new ones (Homecraft is a sinister and heartless organization).  How sinister?  Styles would be the first to go.  That's heartless!

The list of current players includes veteran catcher Welder, who has problems with his knees, and was last playing in Mexico; incarcerated back-up pitcher Princess, dubbed the "Wild Thing" ; power-hitting outfielder Pedro "Scotty" Cerrano, who practices voodoo to try to help him hit curve balls; veteran pitcher Skipper, who doctors his pitches; and third baseman Big Ton, who is already under contract but is a high-priced prima donna.

At spring training in Odessa, the brash but speedy outfielder, Teen Wolf, crashes camp uninvited, but is invited to join the team after displaying his running speed. Spring training reveals several problems with the new players. Princess has an incredible fastball but lacks control. Teen Wolf is able to run the bases quickly but can't seem to hit home runs anymore, and while Scotty has tremendous power he cannot hit a curveball. Then there's 'Slippery Mitt' Styles (uncredited in the movie), who can't seem to catch a ball hit right at him.  The veterans have their own problems, as Big Ton refuses to aggressively field ground balls, afraid that potential injuries will damage his upcoming contract negotiations.

The Red Team’s season starts off poorly but eventually the team continues to improve. To get back at Homecraft, the players decide they should try winning their remaining games, and get into the Top 4.

The team plays very well at times tonight (and very, very poorly at others), and wins
12-8 - a Top 4 berth might be in the cards! This would force a tournament weekend playing against the division's top teams, Lafarge, Capri, and No Frills.

Fast forward to tournament weekend (do it - for the sake of my movie) cuz here's how it unfolds.  Red Team faces Lafarge in the final (the prize: a hat).

Prior to the final game, Princess learns that he will not be the starting pitcher for the game and goes to Golden Star to mope, where he encounters Big Ton’s wife. On the CKWS broadcast of the Red Teams' weekend party, she has seen Ton leave Hydro’s back yard with another woman; she retaliates by luring Princess to sleep with her.  Princess is (allegedly) unaware of who she is.

Welder advises Princess to keep his distance from Big Ton for most of the final by staying in the bullpen. The game remains scoreless until the seventh inning when Skipper gives up two runs. Scotty comes to the plate in the bottom of the seventh and misses badly on two curveballs. He angrily renounces his voodoo god Jo-bu and proclaims "I do it myself," then hits a two-run home run off a curveball on the next pitch to tie the game.

In the top of the ninth, Lafarge are able to load the bases and "Wild Thing" Princess is called in to relieve Skipper, with the crowd going crazy. The team makes a defensive switch in left, with Mike A.'s sliding abilities replacing Styles' double-vision fielding.  Princess and Welder are concerned when Big Ton comes over to the pitcher's mound, but he only urges "Wild Thing" to strike the next batter out. Princess strikes out his nemesis Kev the Hat (Lafarge's 14th best batter) on three straight super-duper-high lob balls, and ends the inning.

With two outs in the bottom of the ninth, Teen Wolf manages to single to first and subsequently takes second on a throwing error. Welder is next to bat, and after signaling back and forth with Skipper, declines a runner from the fence, and points to the bleachers, calling his shot. However, Welder bunts instead, catching the Lafarge infield off-guard. Despite his weak knees, Welder gets to first base. Instead of stopping, Wolfie rounds third and heads for home plate, catching Lafarge off-guard again. Wolf dives safely into home (because apparently diving's allowed now), giving the Red Team the win. As the team celebrates, Big Ton punches Princess in the face but then helps him up to continue the celebration.

Curtain closes, we can all go home now.  Charlie Sheen, the original "Wild Thing", makes a cameo at Diamond B to assess the Red Team's performance the last few weeks, and he only has one word to say...

... WINNING!

So tonight, Red Team is playing Bugsy's team on Diamond B, and we have a cushy 5-0 lead.  By the third inning it starts to fall apart.  The sell-out crowd (ok, it was only Sheila) was beginning to wonder - "I think some of these Red Team players are trying to throw this game!!!"

Evidence:  Princess, normally gifted with Dave Kingman-like power, puts a strangely weak hit about 5 feet off home plate, and doesn't even run to first.  If it was you, wouldn't you run, even just a little? 

It's one thing to admire a moon shot to centre (gratuitous Scotty plug here for his two homers tonight), but you can't really sit back and admire a hit that even Stephen Hawking could have managed.  That ended up costing us a run.

So something is up right? Princess could be in on the fix.

Next inning, perennial Gold Glover Hydro at second fields a ball, with the runner at third trying to score.  He throws home to get the out, except it's about 40 feet off the mark (yeah, Hydro, everyone else forgot about that one, but *I* remembered this bit of evidence just in time ;-).

Then later, a ball gets hit right up the middle.  Big Ton is totally standing right there, but somehow it gets by?  Hmmmm.  The crowd begins to whisper.

It's OK, because Mike A is at rover, and he could snag it & throw the guy out.  Somehow, this didn't happen either.  Hmmmm.  No problem because... guess who... Princess is the third guy to get a shot at this weak roller... um, nope.  HMMMMM.  The spectators, now ready for an inquiry, start taking notes.  Princess IS... Shoeless "Joe"!

After the game, the press approached Shoeless Joe, and was caught on tape with the following comments:
"When a Phoenix Roofing player would bat a ball out in my territory I'd muff it if I could — that is, fail to catch it. But if it would look too much like crooked work to do that I'd be slow and make a throw to the infield that would be short. My work netted the Phoenix team several runs that they never would have had if we had been playing on the square."

And there you have it.  That was enough for the TESPA Grand Jury to assemble, and bring charges against Princess, Big Ton, Mike A, Hydro and others.

The 'others' named in the suit were quickly acquitted.  Teen Wolf still tried to plunk a player, but instead fielded a ball in right-centre, and got the guy out at first.  Fist-pump duly noted.  Nice play!

Lt. Dan wasn't even a suspect - he didn't strike out once!

Skipper was also let off the hook, despite allowing a grand slam.  He must've eaten his Wheaties before the game - he looked 35 again out there, and held his own on the mound, even snagging a comebacker instead of getting out of the way.

Big Ton, Mike A and Hydro were also eventually exhonerated after four hours of testimony. 

And that leaves Shoeless Joe.

He was sentenced to six beers after the game, for those who made it to the Welder's afterwards. 

And, despite the intended sabotage, Red Team still managed a 15-9 win.  Hats off to the Butcher, who was the MVP of tonight's game.

Legend has it that as Princess was leaving Diamond B after the trial, a young boy begged of him, "Say it ain't so, Joe,"

"Yes, kid, I'm afraid it is," Princess replied. The boys opened a path for the ball player and stood in silence until he passed out of sight.

...at least in the last two innings of a 9:30 matchup, between us & 9-4 Capri Pizza, under an unwelcome orange moon over Diamond A.

We were missing the Butcher, the Dancer, the Welder, and the Big Ton, but Lt. Dan was back (without his wallet, unfortunately) after a brief hiatus.  Skipper staked the enemy to a 6 run lead after one, and an 8-0 score after two. It was looking likely we would fall below Williams Auto in the standings, with our 4th straight defeat. 

But in the 5th, something bizarre happened... we started to pitch well, hit well, and play solid defense - the hallmark of a (dare I say) *good* team!

14-6 was the score after 4.

14-9 was the score after 5.

But there's a reason they play six innings in TESPA!  

(Princess so wisely noted -- we score 6 runs we win, we score 5 and we tie, and if we score only four, we lose).

So it's the final at-bat for Red, and we're in this giant hole.  Skipper leads off with another solid hit - this guy never disappoints!  Mike A has a sure hit robbed from him at short - now there's one out.  Princess hits a long single (which was great cuz Skip didn't need to run hard), Scotty hits a long single, Brew Dog too, to make it 14-10.  Brangelina connects, two more runs score.  It's now 14-12.  Wolfie makes it to second with a beautiful double to score two more, and here we go... it's 14-14 with Styles at the plate. 

With Hydro waiting on deck for his shot at glory, Styles & Teen Wolf (best buds from the movie, right?) combine to put away the pizza guys, with a thrilling 15-14 walk off win.   Capri Pizza would've done well if only they played their games in 30 minutes or less...

...and the little dough ball that they put in the center, (Neeler), took the loss.

The OPP were even there THE WHOLE GAME to make sure no mayhem ensued.  And even the scorekeepers seemed to be on Capri's payroll (a ten minute delay to organize the lineups???)

Now that's not to say we didn't have a couple of Red Team "moments".  Mike A was tagged out walking back to the dugout after only two outs, and the top of the 5th was especially rough for Princess. While trying to throw out a runner at home, got confused and tried to hit a home on Park Crescent.  Gotta give the kid credit... he has spunk!  But he did hit one out, and obviously was instrumental in our comeback.  All hail Princess!  And we even did it without a homer from Scotty. 

Hey scorekeeper - make sure you got my 4 for 4 tonight.  I didn't practice all by myself last Sunday for nothing.

This whole Red Team had spunk tonight -- let's keep it going fellas -- tournament weekend is but three weeks away.  It sure felt good to snatch a victory from the claws of defeat, but we have to harness this momentum.  

Styles - OUT

(just, not tonight ;-)

We had BranGelina get nailed in the knee by a hot shot to to the outfield (oh, if only I coulda been the one to hit that shot to centre ;-), Just kidding, BG.  So everyone on both teams took a break to see if he was OK.  He was, THANK GOD! 

Teen Wolf "wolfed out" tonight, and beaned an opponent in the noggin at second from ten feet away, so all the players took a time-out to see if he was OK.  He was, THANK GOD!  (Dude, he was wearing glasses!  Don't you know you never hit a guy with glasses?) 

Then Princess went down with a really painful shot on the arm at third... but, strangely, not a single person converged to see if he was okay.  Weird.

And Mike A. played second. 

There were some Hard Knocks for sure tonight, but TransStar had them all.  They had this orange bat that was most definitely illegal.  Something about the colour orange is turning out to be anathema to red.

(BTW Janet: 'anathema' (noun, pl) - person or thing detested or loathed; accursed; sometimes an imprecation of divine punishment)

It appears that over the last few weeks, we are being divinely punished by the colour orange, the ugly and smelly distant cousin of red, for a reason we have not yet established.  Maybe John Edward can set up a private reading into the matter, because we've now lost three in a row, and everyone, including our fans, are baffled.  Ironically, Lt. Dan has missed these last three... Seymour, if you're readng this, we really need you to show up - at least come by after the game (next week: 9:30 Diamond A).  Oh, and bring your wallet.

So the cameras were rolling on Red Team from the get go, all because Skipper was back!  A 3-0 score after one inning was not going to faze us - we were feeding off Skip's enthusiasm and presence.

A 6-0 score after two still didn't seem to upset the Welder, a constant voice of reason and inspiration.

11-0 after three? Well, let's just say, a grounder goes to Scotty at short, and Big Ton doesn't even want to cover second any more.

We did fight back, but the early deficit was too much overtake.  Even the waxing gibbous moon over Diamond B had a tint of orange, to cap off another night of Hard Knocks.  (and, y'all can google that one yourself - I'm pretty sure Janet already knows what a gibbous moon is).

So, as Fellder so bluntly put it (I'm goin' back to Fellder here -- he had another spill in the deep infield which should land him back on the DL for at least a week) - (imagine I'm doing my best Fellder impression here):

"OK boyyyyyys.. looks like we all need a little bit of work -- let's go back and talk about it... tomorrow we'll get in some wind sprints, and get in the cages..."

And the orange bat can stay home, whoever owns that piece of... aluminum. 

See you next Thursday, from the only guy who is $10 lighter tonight...

Me.

One thing is certain and serious though... Skipper's absence is affecting us all, and not in a good way.  It is no coincidence that we've lost 2 of 3 and have been outscored 53-30 since Skipper went down with what the injury report is calling an "upper body ouchie" back on July 14.  Damn you orange bag!

We've tried Princess, Dancer, Ton, and Fellder at starting pitcher, and while they have a win and a save to share amongst themselves, they still have a collective ERA of 21.68.  That's not going to get you into the Top 4 fellas.  Those are Jose Canseco-like numbers...

(BTW Janet: Jose Canseco pitched an inning for Texas in '93, gave up 3 hits & 2 walks.  Finished with an ERA of 27.00 for his career, and blew out his arm in that inning of work, requiring season-ending surgery).  His salary that year?  $4.8 MILLION - sweet huh?

Skipper -- we can't promise you 4.8 MIL even though the tourney fund is quite healthy (two more K's tonight brings the season tally to a disgusting 40), but we can offer you some ice cold Canadians if you'll come bail us out.  Maybe Hydro will buy you one -- he has toonies coming out of his ears!

Plus, we need Princess back at third.  That's all I'm gonna say about that (cough, Moustachio, cough cough) 

So, we lost 12-5 tonight, mostly because Scotty wouldn't hit a home run.  Sure - last week, he has no problem knocking out 3 when they can't possibly help...  but tonight he seemed to be happy with nice looking singles.  Hey, every game we have to put the horns on somebody, and dag nabbit, it ain't going to be your official blogger!

OK - I had a week of holidays, and maybe gained a few pounds.  And, maybe I could've run a little faster, maybe thrown a little harder and maybe hit the ball where the defenders weren't standing.  That's four "maybe's" that next week will be corrected!  Consider those extra pounds gone (I might even have to shave!)...

... but only if Skipper comes back! 

If not, I don't see any reason to better myself.  See, Skipper, you mean a lot, to more people, than you think - Red Team is not the same without you!  If you show up, you can change the world, and save Styles at the same time... Wolfie is missing his mentor, Princess' right arm is getting tired (non-baseball related, but that is another story), and someone had to tell Brangelina those swimming trunks should never have been put on in the first place (nightmares tonight for all in attendance)!

Fellder with an eerily similar injury came back this week, so hopefully we'll see you at 8 on Celebrity this Thursday!

And hey, if Hydro won't, I'll buy you a Canadian.

Lafarge was 8-2 going in, averaging 14 runs a game, but even more impressive, had allowed only 5 runs a game... keep this in perspective Red... we were only 1.5 games behind the leader, a half-game out of third place... we can still make Top 4! 

The good news?  We (let's be honest, mostly Scotty) scored 13 runs tonight against the top rated D.  Pretty cool right?

Northern Dancer hit a home run... that was caught last-second by their 7'10" fielder diving over the centrefield fence.

Scotty hit three dingers.  How does he make it look so easy?!?!?!  (I will not stoke your ego any more tonight!  A ball *did* go under your glove in the sixth that was inexcusable :-)

Severe exhaustion, from severe overwork in centre field, should not be allowed as an excuse. 

Prancer had an ERA of 0.00, and didn't even allow a hit!

No, he didn't actually pitch, but you don't wanna see the boxscore of those who did.

That senior wearing half my wardrobe had a couple of nice hits, a couple of ribbies, and no one struck out (except for Prancer). 

Big Ton stood his ground at second... but out of the 640 muscles in the human body, only one moved when the ball went by him in the 4th... the one in the lower part of the face that makes that really wide grin that says "it was a solid hit - I had no chance".  

Welder, Skipper... we missed your presence, experience, pitching prowess, skill level, and base-running acumen.

Lt. Dan, T-Bone, Mike A & B... we missed getting the periodic breather.

Wolfie, Brangelina... guys, there were so many balls sent to the outfield, I can't help but think that if you two were there, we could have made this game a little closer.  

Ya never know what you've got...   until they're gone.  With you two, we might have even won! 

32-13 was the final.  

Seven 3-run homers? Not much you can do about that I guess, unless you pitch like Hydro and don't give them anything to hit.

Come back real soon guys... we need you - all of you! 

It was a challenge to take care of all of those ice cold beers post-game without ya.

Welder and Alligator and Styles were all sorely missed for last Thursday’s game. A few of the vet’s who were in town dropped by to wish us well. Welder and Al were eager to set the example of the classic eat & run. Usually this manoeuver is only reserved for the in-laws but last Thursday was a text book example fill your gut and get out.  

I am very happy to report that last Thursday night, Red team's first base fatalities went down 100%. Good work by all those who successfully negotiated that terribly challenging left turn.  A formal complaint has been lodged by Red Team to investigate the speed bump phenomena at first. Rest easy Albert Alouicious, Peek a boo, Marble Doan, Deveckio, Bently and  Welder. We will not rest until that nasty orange nuisance is removed.

Let’s start off by giving Rob a huge thank you for the fantastic feast of fajita’s.(Say that 5 times fast) Let’s face it. His place is a dump. I hate looking at the lake and the boats that past by.  Seriously I’m never drinking there again. I had to get my own beer twice. The nerve!
Red teams (editor's note to Dancer: both "Red" & "Team" should be capitalized ;-) younger members were eager to also demonstrate new stretching techniques. Some players have been known to do Pilates, some do yoga and some just give the good old fashion tug on your own leg. Not Teenwolf, he went to the next level. Hey there’s a tree. Hey, let’s go climb it. It looked like a crappy episode of Wipeout unfolding before my eyes. Teenwolf was able to loosen all his muscles and take 3rd place in Loyalist lumber jack competition. I think he thought that if he climbed high enough he might be able to report the score from Willy Pratts earlier games. This trend is surely to explode on to the professional scene.
Then their was a little gambling. With a soccer ball stuck in the tree Brangelina showed persistence and tried to knock it down with another soccer ball. With about 50 tries under his belt he was unsuccessful and returned to rehydrating himself. Well Brangelina took about 50 tries and couldn’t do it, why wouldn’t I bet Princess a cool $20 that he couldn’t. One swipe is all took to for Princess to embarrass Northern Dancer . With my pride all but crushed all I could do is give Brangelina multiple dirty looks through out the course of the night. Felt like a set up. How is it possible that Princess was able to that so easily and as pitcher he couldn’t hit the plate all night except for the last pitch. I’m only going to give him $10.

On to the game.
Everyone but Princess played 4 or more positions all night. When this occurs usually the highlight reel is full.  A few plays involved the ball getting by 2 or 3 of the defense like a cheap pinball ball machine and their was a few heroic dives in the out field. But nothing I would classify as MVP worthy. Red Team was looking decent. I know, I couldn’t believe it either.  We even showed our good sportsmanship by letting the score get close. In the end all the bookies in Amherstview placed their bets on THE BIG RED MACHINE.

Good job lads, see you next week.
This is Special guest blogger Northern Dancer signing off.

So, I missed the game (we won, in what looked like familiar Red Team fashion, 12-11 hanging on late).  Did Northern Dancer come in for the save?  Did Princess give up all those runs by himself?  Did the defense contribute, just a little, in that tense 3-run 8th?  Did the Welder need stitches?  So many questions -- I'll have to wait a few more days to find out exactly what happened.  Someone must have struck out though... Praaaaannnnnncceerrrrr ????

On daddy duty, I hit the road with the Stylettes last week for a little R & R in Beantown...

Friday's headline: "East Coast Hammered By Heat Wave: Temperature Records Smashed". 
Yeah, lots of fun - we hit 105 degrees F on Friday - (do the 5th grade math: (105-32) x (5/9) = 40.5 degrees C)... and that's without the humidity!  Did you know the Humidex Rating is a Canadian thing... I kept waiting for the Boston News to tell us exactly how freakin' hot it really was, but all they would say was it was suffocating, and unbearable, and that a heat stroke was imminent. 

So all I know is it was 105 and hazy... just like Skipper! (sorry man, had to -- still cheesed about last week -- OH another rimshot)! 

It was so hot, we actually saw Ted Williams walking around Fenway Park!

(BTW Janet: Ted Williams is cryogenically frozen...) 

Speaking of Fenway, the Red Sox are brilliant.  We went on a tour of Fenway Park on Friday (why not -- hot metal bleachers, no shade, no breeze, no a/c, seemed like a Stylish thing to do).  $12 per person to tour an empty ballpark.  There must have been 150 people on the 12:00 tour, the third of five that day. 

More 5th grade math... 150 people x $12 per person x 5 tours a day = $9,000 per day just to walk around an empty ballpark.  Must be at least 270 days of tours a year... here's the genius:  2.4 million dollars a year!  No wonder they can give that bum JD Drew 10 mil a year! 

(BTW Janet: Drew is batting .219 with 21 RBI and widely criticized for not being worth the money he makes)

So here's the view from the Budweiser Roof Deck in Right - no, you cant just buy a ticket here... an online auction happens pre-season, and if youre lucky you can have four seats for $475... YES, IN THE OUTFIELD.  I would not watch a game from here - though you do have your own bar ($8.50 for a bottle of Bud Light), you will never catch a home run ball -- you are like 600 feet away from home plate and in foul territory.

Here is a shot from the State Street Pavillion... we got to sit in some rich guys home plate seat for 10 minutes.  I put something gross under his seat, just cuz he is rich and he will never know it was me unless he Googles "Red Team Blog What The Hell Was Under My Million Dollar Seat July 2011"

That's my kid's melon in front of the batting cage.  It's huge -- not the cage...

But the most expensive seats?  Green Monster seats... $165 for a single game ticket.  Again, though, you have to win an online auction to get one.  You DO get to take in batting practice, so maybe you catch a homerun ball, but then you have to explain that no, it wasn't a real homerun... you caught it dring batting practice, and your ball is worth as much as a Princess Home Run Ball -- yeah, it's happened, but not during a real game...

(BTW Janet: The Green Monster is a popular nickname for the 36' high wall in left field)

The Green Monster seats were cool.  They're made of 100% metal, and at 40.5 degrees, they weren't really all that cool after all!

A fine vacation, but nice to be back.  A week without blogging was getting to me.

And maybe TESPA could learn to make some money, just like the Red Sox.  Willie Pratt is a fine ballpark in its own right...

Here, we have the Welder supervising the festivities, and Hydro explaining the intricacies of hitting to Skipper...

...and the 105 fringe benefits of being on the Red Team...

... see Scotty, there was a cheesecake after all !

 
There was no alcohol consumed at the Red Team Wine event (except for one guy), and no animals were harmed, though I wouldn't trust Brangelina at this point!

We had our third annual "Red Team Wine & Cheese" tonight, and as of tonight, I guess it's now going to be renamed the third annual "Red Team Wine".  That's it.  The cheese component was curiously missing, and as such, Skipper's hopes, desires, wishes and cravings were severely crushed, as the truth would come out later that evening.

Also, Your Red Team won 15-3 - an impressive feat in that it did follow the third annual "Red Team Wine..."

Our tournament K-Fund grew 40 points tonight -- if the K-Fund were offered on the TSX I'd still recommend buying now -- there are seven games to play, and I don't see a bear market anytime in the horizon.  Actually, put some of your eggs on Lt. Dan.  His annual rate of return could give your kid a head start at Harvard.

Second, the informalities.

We might be able to make a couple of nickname changes based on the on-field performances tonight.

First base has always been a tricky spot.  You have a white bag attached to an orange bag, which in itself is a bit weird -- it can be somewhat confusing, especially when you have to run and think at the same time.  According to the TESPA rule book, they lay it out quite simply... when running to first you step on the orange, and once you've been declared safe, you need to lead off on the white.  I know, right -- a lot to take in, in a matter of seconds.

[Nickname was: Skipper.  New nickname: Slipper]  I'm so clever, I know!  So in the 5th, Slipper gets a solid hit, and all he needs to do is step on the 'orange' bag.  But with all that confusion in the brain, ends up kind of touching both bags, with both feet, and next thing you know, he's beached out in right.  On the bench, Prancer quickly has the 9 and the 1 plugged into his Blackberry, but no need for emergency assistance... Slipper is OK (thank GOD!). 

[Nickname was: Welder.  New nickname: Fellder]  Sorry - couldn't do any better with that one, but it's not that bad.  So in the 6th, (I should mention it WAS a full moon), the Fellder belts another moonshot to center (not his first one tonight -- red wine & the Fellder seem to work well together).  Those rascally coloured bags come in to play again, but this time they draw blood.  Poor Fellder.  See you in August, Fellder.

[Nickname was: Princess.  New nickname: Ace]  OK I might be a little premature, just like Ace, but helluva game against an 0-9 team averaging 2.7 runs per game.  What -- you allowed 3.0 runs?  I'll stop there.

[Nickname was: Northern Dancer.  New nickname: Terminator]  1.0 ip, 0 ER.  It doesn't matter how unpretty it was.  You got the job done.  And that's what closers do!

[Nickname was: Mike B. New nickname: Moustachio]  Sorry, it's about time Mike B.  We've played 11 games and you don't have a handle.  Which is probably good, because you haven't really earned one, but for one week we'll go with   MOUSTACHIO

I'm giving you this image for inspiration.  This guy is totally AWESOME!

These new nicknames are unofficial, of course - they would require veteran ratification, and that could take a while, and probably won't (and in the case of Princess, shouldn't) pass.  But for now, it helps with the blog.  Ahhhhhh, it's all fun & games until Styles screws up though!  

Then again, I'm pretty sure I already did.

I forgot the cheese :-(

Last week, our fearless Red Team put on a defensive clinic - on how to NOT play defense.  Hopefully all the children in attendance last week took notes, and put these lessons to work.  I trust they also said their prayers and ate their vitamins!

Somehow, this week, our fearless Red Team actually seemed to learn from our own mistakes, and played a (near) flawless game behind Skipper, for a sweet 12-5 win in the mosquito sanctuary otherwise known as Diamond A (also known as 'Showcase'). 

Believe it or not, there are actually 3,500 species of mosquito, of which 3,100 took in the game tonight.  I was able to count them all out in left field.  Mosquitoes, for those who don't know, get extra excited when sweat, alcohol and carbon dioxide are present... whoops - Red Team was going to be a veritable buffet tonight!  It actually looked like it was snowing to the ZERO people watching in the stands.  And Gordie says he really wished he could have played tonight... 

The "Human Highlight Reel" (aka Teen Wolf) was making sliding double plays in the outfield, and even catching balls that Big Ton could've caught.  He even tried to catch one on Amherst Drive! 

Only when Styles, Wolf & Brangenlina got moved to the infield did things enter that "dimension of imagination" - and we weren't even a part of it! 

It was a dimension that must have felt "as timeless as infinity" for Northern Dancer in left field relief -- no wait -- third base in relief was even better.  You can't just look at the ball when you catch it; when the runner is standing in front of you, you do have to tag him.  And, similarly, when said runner starts running to home, and you have the ball, you kinda have to throw it near the general plate area, not to the scorekeeper -- the scorekeeper can't possibly tag out the runner.  In the end, Big Ton saved the play, but "lob ball" should only apply to the pitcher.  (I'm glad Dancer has a sense of humour, but Prancer we're not so sure about :-(

And for Princess, well, let's just say the entire game was of a dimension that hasn't yet been defined... the dreaded sixth dimension!  In true Twilight Zone fashion: not one strikeout for Teen Wolf... yet our cleanup hitter managed the trifecta.  And, let's not discuss the baserunning.  The "pit of man's fears", the three-strikeout-game, used to be a very rare occurrence indeed, yet this was the fourth time this year...   Further proof of a Bizzaro World: Skipper got an infield hit!

Despite the weirdness, it was still a night of positives - Scotty hit a home run (yawn), the beer fund had a net gain of 50 points, and your Red Team won! 

With the Wine & Cheese on deck (next Thursday, 7:00 at Homecraft), things could possibly get more interesting.  How 'bout we all say our prayers & eat our vitamins, and maybe that'll be enough for Red Team to stay away from The Twilight Zone

Exactly one week after begging for content, Red Team came through tonight with a spectacular effort - I was hoping it wouldn't come to it, but I may need to invest in a notepad.  No player was spared in blame, and the 15-7 final (yes, Gordie, we were the 7) may even be a little inaccurate in their favour. 

Before we begin - some definitions from Miriam Webster's:

* 'comedy' (noun): a drama of light and amusing character and typically with a happy ending

* 'error' (noun): an act that through ignorance, deficiency, or accident, fails to achieve what should have been done

* 'honey badger' (noun): person or animal who just doesn't "give a sh*t"

* 'Good Times' (noun): By far, the worst sitcom ever made

* 'teen wolf' (noun/verb): someone who leads a team in strikeouts, or who has struck out, as in "Oh, man, I can't believe he just Teen Wolfed!!!"  (sorry Wolfie, you don't get that blog-freebie tonight)

* 'comedy of errors': The Comedy of Errors is one of William Shakespeare's earliest plays. It is his shortest and one of his most farcical comedies, with a major part of the humour coming from slapstick and mistaken identity.

The 'mistaken identity' tonight was Red Team thinking they knew how to play defense.  And the 'major part of the humour' occurred on Diamond B's outfield grass.  It was a most 'farcical comedy' that for the admission price of $0.00, would still have been a lot better value than Willie Wonka in the Springer Market Square (do people really go to those things?) - seriously I wonder why more people don't come out to watch TESPA.

Left field had some sun & some shadows, but is not excuse enough for yours truly to have a ball bounce off his glove, or for Mike A's "deficiency or accident" that led to another drop an inning later.

Centre field for the most part was patrolled by Brangelina... he may have been 3 for 4 at the plate, but was also 3 for 4 in "fails to achieve what should have been done".  In relief in the 5th, Prancer was seen rolling around the field in centre, but the ball was nowhere near him.  I may put him down in the blog, but I think this horse was like, really 'put down' out there!  (or is Prancer one of Santa's reindeer... we haven't quite established that... I'm pretty sure he had horns tonight, though)

Last inning is called, and with the opponent getting ready to bat, we're all watching Right Field.  We have to wait until the players are set before Skipper can pitch, and here's Prancer, honey-badgering his way out to right, what felt like a good two minutes.  At 15-5, can't really blame him for honey-badgering I guess (for those who left Dancer's place early, you might not get this reference).

We even saw the unceremonious yanking of Pitch... Princess sashayed out in relief & pitched a perfect inning, with the final out via comebacker.  May there have been a little PINE TAR to thank as well??? 

Fines (strikeout) tally for tonight: T-Bone = 2; Northern Dancer = 1; Teen Wolf = (not a typo) zero!

Lt. Dan & Welder, you missed a fun game.  You guys could have made a difference tonight.  We may have lost, but we still had a 'By Far, The Worst Sitcom Ever Made'.  Next week it's 9:30 on Diamond A, and the Wine & Cheese Party on July 14th.

So no more honey-badgering from here on out!  We need to start being Dy-No-Mite!!!

But, when you're a blogger, the only wishing & dreaming is simply for material.  You can be smart, and witty, funny, or prophetic, but if the topic of the blog is, for instance, a baseball game, and nothing hilarious of note happens, you're in a blog black hole.  No witty.  No funny. 

I could talk about Teen Wolf's three strike outs, but I promised him tonight that I wouldn't. 

Teen Wolf struck out THREE TIMES tonight.  That's actually really hard to do, right Hydro?  I mean, ball comes in (this is SLOW pitch, by the way), and it takes a good four alligators from the time it leaves the aging pitchers hand to the time it slowly makes it to the backstop... sorry, I said I wouldn't blog about it.

But to strike out three times would mean that you'd have to see a minimum six pitches without making contact.  More than likely you have more pitches than that to look at, but...

... but! But luckily, tonight was the Red Team's Annual Wing Night, and we had bigger fish-- err wings to fry.  What that means is we play game, then drink beer and eat wings.  Twenty pounds of 'em.  And a big high five to Brangelina, Big Ton, and of course The Welder for all the hard work that went into making Wing Night a success (among others - sorry with the mosquito convention in Scottie's garage digging in too, I didn't see all the hands that went into making wing night a success, but know you're all loved as well). 

This is early on, as the first batch gets cooking.  I wasn't going to post it, but it's an awesome pic.  Big Ton is showing his "disapproval" face and Hydro's shorts are 500 watts of pure electricity.

That's (L-R) Northern Dancer, Brangelina, Lt. Dan, Hydro, and someone I've never seen before in my life!

By the fifth batch, some of us were enjoying the wings a little more than others.  So I guess this is why we call him Lips.

We played seven full innings before the clouds turned from fluffy white to angry grey.  The thunder and lightning forced the soccer kids away, but we played on... We lost 8-6 to the tournament champs, so... not so bad.  We were actually tied 6-6 before the last inning, when it *should have* been called.   Teen Wolf contributed $30 to the beer fund (that's 3 strikeouts times $10 per offense for a $30 fine.  Add HST and we're up to $33.90), and Mike A. made a great double play from the outfield, but that's about all the highlights we have... like I said, it's tough being a blogger.

And for Wolfie -- he did miss a month of ball, so we gotta cut him a bit of slack.  Just like the tournament weekend, he was a bit *green*... hey Wolfie, it ain't easy being green, is it?!!

But, I gotta say... it's pretty cool being Red!

The TESPA Excellence in Sports Performance Awards were held in the entertainment complex otherwise known as Diamond B Thursday night, and ALL the celebrities were in attendance.  Even Teen Wolf made a brief cameo.

Diamond B is a 39,000 square foot open-air plaza that serves as the central meeting place for, ahem, "ballplayers", mostly from Loyalist Township.  There is a giant LED scoreboard that doesn't work, a scorekeeper that doesn't do anything with the statistics, freight trains, an occasional osprey with IBS, and is adjacent to a shirtless boxing freak with pitbulls. 

I know what you're thinking - playing Diamond B is on my bucket list!

Back to the ceremonies, hosted by none other than Samuel L. Jackson. 

The first TESPY of the night was presented by former major leaguer Chuck Knoblauch, awarding the Chuck Knoblauch Yip Award for Outstanding Play By a Second Baseman.  The video screen shows a montage of Prancer's seventh inning, missing the first baseman on not one, not two, not three... ok it was three... consecutive throws.  Prancer accepts the award, thanking God - - - for NOTHING!   "I praise you 24/7 and this is how you do me!!!"

The whole Vancouver Canucks team awarded the Performance Under Pressure Award to Mike A.  His two-out, bottom of the ninth toss to second (from five feet away) to close out the rally got just a little too cute, and missed the mark.  Runner safe, the inning would go on...

The Arthur Ashe Courage TESPY went to Brangelina, whose diving play in centre came close to being the Play Of The Year, but instead he ended up with a gloveful of grass.  And a little rugburn.  I was closing in, and I was ascared.  The award recognizes those individuals for their charity works. 

Best Male Athlete with a Disability Award, presented to the male sportsperson with a disability, irrespective of nationality or sport contested, whoa -- what do we have here -- a tie!  The award goes to both Hydro and Lieutenant Dan (see June 2 blog).  Red Team used to have a special hat for those who struck out, a pair of horns... it's been missing for a while, but let's say we could have used a "golden sombrero" tonight.  And Hydro and Lt. Dan would have passed it back & forth 6 times between them.

When all was said & done, we allowed an 8-5 lead to shrink to 8-7 (with men on base) before the lights went out on the other Gray team.  We gave them lots of chances to win it.  We gave ourselves lots of chances to lose it.  They struck us out to the tune of $70 (oh yeah -- you K, you pay)!

But, we'll take the W -- that's 3-1 now for those of you keeping score (evidently, the only one NOT keeping score is TESPA) in what was easily the most hilarious game we've played this year.

The final award of the night, the Play of The Game TESPY, was presented by Brett Favre.  He praised Princess' game-sealing play... hot shot to third, knocking down the ball, turns, runner jumps and Princess reaches up & tags the runner in the groin to mercifully record the final out.

In the end, it was a force out play, and all you had to do was touch the bag.

George Costanza on 'George' -- "What is that? It's nothing. It's got no snap, no zip. I need a nickname that makes people light up. I was thinking...T-bone."

JERRY: But there's no "t" in your name. What about G-bone?

GEORGE: There's no G-bone.

JERRY: There's a G-spot.

GEORGE: That's a myth.

For a few blogs now, I've referred to fellow Red by their handles (to protect their anonymity) -- we've got a Teen Wolf, Brangelina (this is a new one, Red Team Vets haven't ratified this one yet, but I think it's going to happen), Styles (don't ask), Big Ton (why?  A missing Y is why), Lips Mahoney (haven't the foggiest, seriously), and Big Brown (named after the horse).

Turns out, Big Brown has now been upgraded to Northern Dancer, only the MOST SUCCESSFUL SIRE IN THE 20th CENTURY!  Big Brown is actually the grandson of Northern Dancer, right Al?  He sired 147 Stakes winners - a real Canadian stud. 

Nicknames are almost always awarded, not chosen by the recipient (that's why George never got T-Bone - Watkins did).  Sometimes, they refer to a person's occupation or title.  Like 'Welder' for a gas man, 'Bones' for a mortician, or 'Sparky' for an electrician (not Hydro - that's just silly).

Many nicknames add a final couple of letters like ee, ie, ey,  like Scottie for Scott, or Mikey for Mike.  That seems kinda lazy to me.  But if Scottie keeps hitting grand slams, he's earned the right to pick his own nickname as far as I'm concerned!  You want T-Bone?  

Under the cover of dark clouds & raindrops, and with Fred Flintstone looking on, Red Team redeemed themselves Thursday night with a 17-2 victory on Diamond B.

For those no-shows (and there were plenty -- Gordie, where were you, man -- we fielded EIGHT players tonight!) I guess we had the lineup set just the way it should have been.  Not that we didn't make a few mistakes (back, back, back, back, back -- oops), we were able to recover and hit grand slams.  We're now 2-1 in the regular season.

Based on the last blog, having Robbie G tonight would have been great - I think we coulda broke out a "Run, Forrest, Run" from the bench and had ourselves a snazzy new nickname.   

But remember, sometimes nicknames are based on your occupation, so maybe, just maybe, Robbie G should be

T-Bone.

We put 12 runs on the board tonight, and with Skipper all Ben-Gayed up on the mound, usually we win this one.  Not tonight, sports fans.  Ben Gay (and to be fair, the defense behind him) gives up three touchdowns plus a two point conversion to the Gray team, to give us our first regular season loss of the season.  We're 1-1.

For our movie, Forrest Gump, the lead character Forrest will be played by Robbie G.  Not because he took a gun shot in the butt-ocks, or (as far as we know) runs a shrimpin' company, but with all the left handed batters they had, he was runnin' and runnin' and runnin' in right field all night long.  And (duly noted after the game), he did *not* strike out, just like Forrest did not strike out with Jenny (eventually) ;-)  I'm pretty sure there was also some ping pong going on out in right...

And Jenny, that'll be Wolfie -- he didn't even play tonight -- but we're still talking about his "performance" during Tournament Weekend.  Jenny = wild, crazy, wants to be a singer, and was into some *things*; the funniest part is, Forrest takes care of Jenny, but it is not long until she dies. Then Forrest notes, "You died on a Saturday".  Oh, the irony is just sick!

Lieutenant Dan... hmmm... that's got to be Seymour.  Late in the game he lost his legs. 

Benjamin "Bubba" Blue - tonight that'll be Skipper.  Because I'm the blogger, and I can do that.  And Skip's not here to protest.  He was pouting a little after the beat down tonight.  They *do* call him Lips, ya know.  "I was born with big gums, sir".  

Finally, Big Ton gets to be the Black Panther Wesley.  You remember, Jenny's abusive boyfriend?  Well, Big Ton did get in three hits tonight...

And so ends the Red Team's story this Thursday.  I don't think we won any awards tonight, though.

Steve B (cousin of original Teen Wolf Scott Howard) is 17 years old, sick of being average and wishing he were special. His father runs a local hardware store.  He plays outfield for the local baseball team, the Red Team, on the gushing recommendations of his very, very best friend, Skipper "the pitcher".

At a get together with other Red Team players on the morning of a big tournament, Steve decides to indulge in a few cold beverages after breakfast.  After the 1:00 game, he begins to notice some strange changes to his hairy body, including glossy eyes, slurred speech, and profuse sweating.  He doesn't understand what is happening, and he refuses to eat his hamburger.

His father never told his son about this condition, because "sometimes it skips a generation".  As the next, very important tournament game approaches (the Red Team is 1-1 and needing a win), he refuses to "wolf out".  Skipper tries to comfort him, and tells him that the team is doomed to fail without "the Wolf".  Unlike the original movie, he does not "wolf out" but instead "pass out" and the Red Team goes on to lose the tournament, finishing in 8th place.

The film grossed $18 at the boxoffice, quite a ways behind, ironically, The Hangover 2.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Even though the Red finished at 1-3 in the tournament, we all had a great time.  The field was still quite sloppy, and the dugouts were temporarily the 12th and 13th largest lakes in Ontario.

We're blaming the field conditions for the outcome, but some fundamentals still need a bit of work.  I've posted a link for the Welder - pay attention specifically to the 6 second mark to the 8 second mark
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4AxZMKHO00

And, for <name withheld> from Wikipedia - Main Article "Baserunning"
When a batted ball is hit in the air, ie, a fly ball, and caught by the defending team, Tom must return and "retouch" the base he occupied at the time of the pitch. The common name for this requirement is tagging up.

We'll get 'em next time.

Speaking of which, may I nominate the first banned item from the tournament menu:

Beans. 

Please and thank you.

The other team safely missed all of our mitts
While Skipper was busy serving up hits
To be fair, Red Team was a little bit off
Some pre-game beers many did quaff.

Down six runs to two we still had a shot
There was still a chance that Lafarge could be caught!
But as the night wore on and Red soaking wet
The four run deficit was as close as we’d get

Back at the beer hall, the sorrows are drowned
As Canadians and Coors Lights and Bud Lights are downed
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But tonight, there’s no joy in Amherstview — and by the way, Styles did strike out.

... of which we'll find out tonight if it is going to be a go or not - looking out the window, I'm guessing not.  But if it is, here are your 10 Tips/Rules to Enjoying Tournament Weekend:

10.  Rookies must fetch the cold beers for the veterans when asked.  Wanna be Super Cool?  Do it even when not asked.

9. When playing in the outfield, watch for oncoming traffic.  (Even if you're in peak physical condition like myself, knee injuries still take 6 to 8 weeks to heal).

8. Jack Daniels & Gatorade (Jay's Joy Juice) makes for a very potent refreshment... use at your own risk.

7. No onion pie in the hot tub, even though it tastes better in there.

 
 6. Even if you're starving for attention, do *not* throw water bottles at the umpire,  
 especially full ones - it can to lead to a suspension (that may or may not be enforced)

Don't mess with underpaid, underappreciated rec-league umps!

5. Be wary of the right field fence.  It's our Green Monster, and it has a peculiar taste for cleats.

4. Your blogger is always watching ;-)

3. If you know who's house the team is going to, but don't know where he lives, follow someone - don't try to rely on your sense of direction, or others direction-giving abilities.

2. The bocce ball tournament we hold has a special trophy.  Winners must proudly display said trophy in a conspicuous place.

1. Have fun, even be silly, but please don't drink & drive. 

(Reminds me of Kev The Hat - she shows up, but no one else is there) 

It's been tough on golfers as well - welcome back to Canada, Snowbirds! - but personally, I'd rather be playing baseball over golf.  When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it!

Funny though, for the second time this young season, it's a beautiful sunny day on GameDay.  20 degrees, partly cloudy.  Perfect weather for sweating and running around with a bunch of other sweaty middle-aged men!

Alas, though, the field was deemed "unplayable".  I guess they envisioned players having trouble hitting the ball, getting a good grip on the ball, and defensive players slipping & sliding all over the place.  SO? Isn't that how way we normally play the game anyway?  

Just kidding.  Maybe the other teams... but not Red Team.  Not this year.  We've built a machine - The Big Red Machine.  We've got our own Tony Perez at third (Stiffler), Pete Rose in right (Brucie), Lee May at first (Gordie) and Scotty - he's our Johnny Bench (at the plate, not behind it).   Dave "Hot Dog" Concepcion at short (gee, I wonder who THAT could be)!

"Little Joe" (Joe Morgan) will be playing second.  And Lesarge?  He's 4x Gold Glover Cesar Geronimo, "The Chief".  One of the best arms in baseball, Geronimo once threw a ball from the center field warning track OVER the catcher's head - no bounce.

Lesarge - he'd show you, too, if only we had a chance to play.

The guys in grey mounted a valiant comeback, but Skipper turned in an All-Star start, and struck out two in the bottom of the 9th for a brilliant complete game performance.  Not bad for the first game of the year - he gets the win AND the save.  It's early, yes, but he is, in fact, as of tonight the leading vote getter for the TESPA All Star Game.

First the highlights:

4th inning - one out - batter sends a hot shot to Teen Wolf playing rover.  Picks it up & howls it to first, nailing the unsuspecting runner in the melon.  I heard it all the way out in deep left field.  Ball actually riccochets off his head & hits a stalled train a good 25 feet away.  Guy stayed in the game and he was OK, which is the main thing, but Wolfie -- *aim for the glove*.

3rd inning - Princess puts one over the fence - our only long single of the game - and "the bet" is settled early.

5th inning - umpire calls FOR the red team = 1... opponents = 0

5th inning - Mike A. (that's NOT a good handle, fellas) stabs a ball between 1st & 2nd, runner coming hard.  Ridiculous back hander to first to get the out.  Play of the game.

6th inning - game's just about over.  Need to shut 'em down one more inning.  Runners on 1st & 2nd.  Hard hit ball to right.  Brucie's always there (so it's cool, right), but for some reason he's sitting on the bench... Tom's there!  (cue Benny Hill music)  Remember when Charlie Brown tries to kick the football with Lucy holding, and at the last second, she moves the ball, and ... well... you get the picture.  Sorry Tom, had to get that in there.  We still love ya!

Back at Tom's Place after the game, the beers are spectacularly cold (nice work Hydro) and the Sharks are up 2-0 after one, so all is really right in the world.  Lesarge may finally have a nickname (though it's not official, Freight Train), and Tournament Weekend plans are shaping up nicely - breakfast at "Mike A"'s, our annual Bocce Ball tournament, grilled steak from a dude who has a *PHD* in meat, Vidalia Onion Pie (which *must* be enjoyed in the hot tub to fully appreciate its oniony deliciousness) , Caesar Salad, and who knows, we might even purchase a case of beer to split among the RED.

Can't wait.

The rainiest April on record, so no surprise there that the fields are unplayable.  Gotta wonder, though, statistically May & June are both wetter than April... in fact, according to Environment Canada, April is the 5th dryest month of the year - yikes!

The Old Farmers Almanac said this April "would be drier than normal".  Hmmph.

Without further ado, here is your 2011 Red Team

Looks like most of last year's team is back.  We lost a couple of players - Browner (get well buddy), Newt, and Jeff are replaced by Mike A, Tom and Rob - I'm sure you guys will get some spiffy nicknames very soon.

Returning is Teen Wolf, Pickles, Big Ton, Princess (a.k.a Stiffler or Milk Bags, depending if the sun's out on Tournament Weekend :-), Skipper (Lips Mahoney), Hydro (I know, not real creative there), Styles, Gordie (actually not his real name), Brucie (not his real name either), Mike B and Scotty.

Mike B & Scotty?

Veterans - you really shouldn't exclude these two like that!  I kinda get it, though.  Scotty is, well, he's Scotty.  But Mike?  C'mon guys, you can do better than that - you came up with Styles didn'tcha.

Oh I almost forgot.  Jay Lesarge is also back.

But I have a feeling you're going to get a nickname very soon ;-) 

 "Hey look - it's Barry Bonds! "

He has a giant head - get it? 

Looks like Bonds and his wife are getting a divorce.  Soon, his marriage will also have an asterisk beside it.  

And maybe he wasn't taking as many performance enhancing drugs as we thought! 

HOMECRAFT HAS A SOFTBALL TEAM -- That's right!  For the fourth year running we've sponsored a team in the Township of Ernestown Slow Pitch Association, but this is the first year that I'll be blogging about our antics... err... successes on the field in 2011.   It's not a hugely competitive league (most of the guys would call it a "beer league") but it's a lot of fun, and there are a bunch of neat characters (as you'll see) in the league.

                    TESPA plays at the Willie Pratt Sports Field on Amherst Drive in Amherstview, ON on Thursdays
                    from May until Labour Day.  Tune in regularly to see how yours truly & the Red Team Gang are doing!!!

Summer 2011 brings a couple of new & exciting things for Homecraft:

1. TWISTED MIST IS BACK -- you can now make your own mixed drink kits (Margarita, Strawberry Margarita & Mojito) -- for a fraction of the LCBO price (of course).

                   For example: Popular premixed bottle of Mojito - $191.40 per case of 12 x 750ml
                   Twisted Mist Mojito (made at home) - $32.04 per case of 12 x 750ml
                   Twisted Mist Mojito (made on premises) - $52.39 per case of 12 x 750ml
                   The case pricing is because legally, I'm not allowed to advertise per-bottle prices.  Math anyone?

2. HOMECRAFT HAS A SOFTBALL TEAM -- blogging about our antics... err... successes on the field in 2011.   coming soon

Cheers

Rob

Wine On Tap!

Pre-sanitized bags (each holds 10 bottles) and a fancy thumb tap allow you to serve your wine with ease - and all the while giving you back precious time lost:

a) washing bottles
b) corking bottles
c) labelling & shrink capping bottles
d) uncorking bottles
e) removing labels & rinsing bottles

Now, don't get me wrong - presenting your wine in a nicely dressed bottle is still a more sophisticated and cultured way to serve your wine, but if you *are* looking for a practical alternative, Wine On Tap may be worth a look.

I put my "house wine" in bags.  I admit it.  This way, if I just want a single glass, I don't need to open a bottle just to end up storing the rest of it for a few days, where it may or may not keep. 

You may have your own reasons, just throwing the concept out there.  Wine On Tap replacement bags are $3.65 each.

Cheers!

Winexpert produces a Cabernet or a Chardonnay (and Merlot or Pinot) kit from all four of these countries... "So"... (we get asked all the time) "what's the diff"?

Well, there are three obvious (and frankly annoying) responses we give, but we do because it usually gets a laugh:

a) 9,928 miles, 7,233 miles, 9,077 miles... you get the picture
b) American, French, weird-english, and Spanish
c) terroir

OK "terroir" isn't funny or annoying.  But it's the only real good answer.  It isn't even part of most winemaker's vocabulary.  It's the original French term in wine, coffee and tea used to denote the special characteristics that geography bestowed upon particular varieties makes a difference.  At its core is the assumption that the land from which the grapes are grown imparts a unique quality that is specific to that region.

So, we know what "terroir" means.  So now, the individual kits that Winexpert produces can now be differentiated based on where they come from, the "terroir".

Chardonnay:
French Chardonnay - less aggressive fruit, more smooth vanilla/toasty/buttery flavours
Australian Chardonnay - a whole bunch more body, & more aggressive fruit - lots of pear, green apple, and if you add all the oak, lots of wood and vanilla.
Chilean Chardonnay - higher alcohol (very ripe grapes), lower acidity, smoky/toast/butterscotch in the background.

Cabernet:
French Cabernet - smooth, easy going, bits of currant & red fruit, more subtle oaking, with smooth vanilla dominating
Australian Cabernet - very full bodied, lots of oak intensity, basically a meal in a glass - save this guy for rarer meats. 
Chilean Cabernet - smokier & more fruit-forward, and good value... Chilean wines tend to cost less but still deliver!

Will follow up with Pinot Noir, Sauvignon Blanc & Merlot soon.

Salut!

Rob

Well, they're not here yet, but the hype has begun!

It all started in 1970, when a small slip of yellow paper, found plastered over cafe windows all over Paris proclaimed "Le Beaujolais Nouveau Est Arrivé".

By the mid-70's, tasting the new wine (nouveau) had become a social ritual, and eveyone washed down their lunch with a bottle of primeur.  Through the next several years, the rest of the world would be doing the same thing.

The Beaujolais Nouveau Run only made things worse (better)... "I can get my cartons of primeur back to London faster than you can" was the gist of it, and by 1973 everyone was getting in on it.  One newspaper columnist in 1973 published an article on the race and offered a prize for whoever got him a bottle of primeur first.  The race was on!

How's that for some free publicity - not that Nouveau needed it.  By 1985 over 68 million bottles of primeur were sold at 12:01 am on that third Thursday in November. 

And now, you can have your own special vintage of Nouveau – kits will be available mid-September to October 7.  They are 100% varietal Gamay from France (the same grape Beaujolais Nouveau is made from).  We’ll be having our own Nouveau party week starting on the third Thursday in November!  If you’re interested in getting in on this event, you must pre-order before August 4, 2010.

Cheers!
Rob